The annoying habits of a shameless health freak

You spent your student loan on gluten free oats and essential oils

Most kids grow up with sweets and chocolate, and the highlight of their week is getting a happy meal after school with their friends. For those of us who grew up in a health freak home however, things were very different.

No white bread ham sandwiches without crusts, no crisps, no milk cartons and certainly no potato smileys. Cry. Instead, you were made to bring in organic packed lunches which you had to eat outside the canteen with all the other anomalies like you, and were interrogated about your weird brown sandwiches (it was rye bread btw).

Photo: Geertschneider 

The only Happy Meal we ever got was one that involved a soya milk carton and occasionally Pom-Bears (if it was a really really good week).

Here are some of the things you will relate to if you this is how you grew up.

Health is the only thing you talk about 

You’ve developed the skill of slipping it into any conversation. You subtly (or so you think) find out about everyone’s lifestyle habits so you can advise them on what they’re doing wrong and what they can do better.


They never asked. You also update your screensaver to a new inspirational quote daily. This is your favourite font.

You nurse all your friends back to health when they’re ill

You take this more seriously than uni, or your job. If someone tells you they don’t feel well you immediately question them about what they mean, how they feel, where does it hurt and how does it hurt.

You proceed by suggesting you make them some lemon, honey and ginger tea anyway, just in case. HAVE YOU TAKEN ECHINACEA THOUGH??? IT BOOSTS YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM. VITAMIN C???? ZINC????? I’M SERIOUS, TAKE IT, HERE I HAVE AN EMERGENCY STASH IN MY BAG.

You spend all your money health food shops

Whole foods, Neal’s yard, Planet organic – any shop that has gluten free bread and organic nice smelling things – is literally your paradise.

You want everything in there and would live in there if you could. You go there almost four times a week and, unlike everyone around you, it’s not the pingers and Amber Leaf that drowns the bank, it’s the bloody reduced coconut oil and Pukka teas that are just irresistible.

Dairy and gluten are worse than Farage and Putin

You truly believe gluten and dairy are the biggest perils on earth and you could speak about why and how and try and convince everyone around you that gluten free bread is actually quite nice (it’s not).

Just a few from the selection

As for lactose, it is evil and you have tried all the alternatives out there. Soya, almond, oat, hemp… you name it, I’ve tried it. You are what you eat and I DO NOT want to be gluten or lactose THANKS.

Anyone who doesn’t like avocados isn’t someone you can trust

The pure look of love

Don’t get me started. I don’t know if it’s their creamy texture, how good they are on toast, how well they go with smoked salmon, the fact that they have more potassium than bananas or the amount of good fatty acids they have.

You genuinely think they are the best thing to ever come out this earth and would honestly die without them.

You truly believe that natural remedies are better than traditional medicine 

All the remedies

Well, OK, if you have pneumonia perhaps the ginger will not suffice – but for any colds, flus, sniffly situations, you know every possible remedy out there and it is your Bible.

You also take at least 10 pills a day, and you don’t ever come up. Vitamins, minerals, the whole shebang. You spend a lot of you time telling people Holland & Barrett vitamins aren’t great.

Lavender can cure anything

Essential oils. Don’t even get me started. WHY DO THEY SMELL SO FUCKING GOOD?

You know everything about each one – whether it is calming, energising, uplifting, good for concentration. Aromatherapy is life and it really can fix any situation whether it’s stress, or even heartbreak.

Lavender really is the most beautiful thing in the world. You could talk about it forever.

You’ve considered the possibility that crystals are actually healing and bought some at some point in your life 

Did you know that Aragonite Star Cluters emit the vibration of conservation and caring for our planet. And Larimar helps you speak your truth and helps clear communication. Anyone? 

You know that these should only be for psychics and cat ladies, but in a time of need you have purchased some on Amazon (so no-one knows), rubbed them on your tummy, on your forehead and almost believed that they were doing something.

Even though nothing really happened and you’re not sure you really believe in it, you keep them in your drawer for when times get rough… just in case.

But yoga 

#fitspo #100happydays #blessed #onelove

Again, this is something you talk about A LOT. Oh you’re not feeling well? Do some yoga. You’re tired? Do some yoga. If anyone tells you it’s just for women and it doesn’t build muscle, you go on a rant about how good it is for you, your mind, your body, your soul, that it isn’t just for women and it DOES BUILD MUSCLE YOU FUCKING MORONS. YOU KNOW NOTHING.

Chakra is one of the most important words in your vocabulary.