What nightclub staff really think of you

Although you may not realise it, nightclub staff play an important role in whether you’ve had the best or worst night ever. Think about it, they serve you drinks to fuel your drunkenness and they even have the power to chuck you out the club. To have a good time, you might want to stay in their good books. So this is how you get inside our minds, realise what we’re thinking, and use it to your advantage. Trust me, I know.

We can’t help but judge you by your drink order

Most likely, the people who order any sort of pint are middle aged men and the people who ask for vodbulls or VK’s are students. There are typical groups of people who ask for the same drinks so bartenders can probably guess what you’re hoping to buy before you place your order. However, customers don’t fail to disgust bartenders- ever heard of Sambuca and coke? If you order a Sambuca and coke, don’t be surprised if the bartender has to double check your order.

Other people who will almost certainly get judged are those who buy whole bottles of Grey Goose: congratulations on wasting £80 on a night you probably won’t remember but thank you for your money. Finally, don’t ever purchase WKDs or Smirnoff Ice’s. They are incredibly expensive and have a low alcohol content so what’s the point? – and you will be judged of course.

…Or by how many drinks you buy

Basically, if you order 15 tequila shots, bartenders will mark you out. After those shots, you’re going to be a mess and no staff wants to clean up or even go near your vomit. In fact, the smell of pouring those 15 shots makes them want to chunder for you. Furthermore, it’s blatantly obvious when you’re buying drink after drink just so you can pay by card. Don’t do this. Be prepared and bring cash so you’re not restricted by the minimum spending point. It’s not just buying too much that’s annoying, but when you are in a group and are each paying separately, it’s the most irritating thing you can do.

Drunk people are hugely annoying

They spill their drinks. They throw up on the bar. Staff have enough to clean up already and you’re just creating extra mess for them and delaying other customers who are desperate to buy their drinks. Some of you start turning childish as well when bags start getting emptied for loose coins or labels are ripped up on the bar. Go and be drunk on the dance floor- keep away from the bar.  As the night goes on, customers start to get ruder too. Sorry but bartenders are likely to know best when they are completely sober and you’re not.

Passing out?!

You make our night better if you’re nice

Honestly, manners still apply when you’ve got alcohol in you. A simple please and thank you after you’ve ordered your drink is very much appreciated, making a nightclub staff’s night more pleasant. They love you if you go out of your way to be nice, compliment a female bartender on her hair – or eyebrows – and she will remember that you were kind for the rest of the night (giving you a higher chance to be served faster). It’s a lot to ask a student to tip but even if you tip a bartender 50p, it will make their night. Instead, put empty cups on the bar rather than chucking it on the floor -where people could trip- and you will be thought of as a sweetheart.

Already being nice

We love people who follow the rules

PLEASE have your money and order ready. DON’T whistle, wave money, or click. Be patient and they will get to you. If you follow these simple rules, it will make a nightclub staff’s job ten times easier and you will get served quicker. If a club only allows you to pay by card when you spend a certain amount, then bring cash- it is truly tiring to repeat this. This may be asking too much, but try not to change your order. Once you’ve said what you want, bartenders are automatically working out how much everything will cost or what they need to get to make the drinks. By changing you order, it is incredibly distracting.

We hate you if you want to buy a drink when we have almost stopped serving

Staff are starting to clean up, they are tired and don’t want to talk to you anymore. It’s nothing personal.

Girl bartenders like to gossip about your outfit

“Oh god, look at her eyebrows”. “That top is way too small”. “Ooo, I wonder where she got her dress from?” “He looks smart tonight”. It always happens.