Everyone needs a Party Bully in their life, here’s why
They’re a necessary evil
Everyone has that friend. The one who orders a whole bottle when you could have just had a glass each, and then you find yourself hours later completely shitfaced in a club. They’re always late, but somehow they get away with it, and they’re a constant drain on your energy.
You’re thinking of yours now, aren’t you? Here are all the things that make the Party Bully what they are.
They’re always the last person out
It’s 5am and they’re standing there saying “where are we going now?”. Sure, you want to go to bed, but they’ll force you to “go on an adventure” and you’ll be glad you did (once the hangover wears off).
They always buy a bottle instead of a glass
Meeting for “just one drink” is never “just one drink” with the Party Bully. They’ll use the excuse that it’s “cheaper” this way.
They go to multiple events in one day – and force you to go with them
A serious failing of the Party Bully is the inability to choose. They are ridiculously optimistic about how long things like travel will take, and will be there at every event – even if they’re just popping in before their next shebang.
They’re always on for a night out
No is not in the vocabulary of a Party Bully. You can always rely on them to accompany you to any given merriment.
They have a favourite song they play every time
Yes, we’ve heard it. You played it four times last Friday, too. But they do keep you in the loop, and it’s kind of your favourite song now as well.
When it comes to appropriate drinking, time is an arbitrary concept
Is 11am too early for a glass of fizzy? Absolutely not, besides it’s always 5pm somewhere.
They force everyone to dance
Dragging you out of your chair, screeching that this is their favourite song. So was the last one. But once your boogying you’re glad they forced you to be there.
Drinking games are essential to an evening’s success
GUYS EVERYONE BE QUIET.
They force you not flake
A common expression and rule of life in a Party Bully is “when you’re 80 years old, you won’t think back to that time you chilled and watched TV. But you may (or may not, depending on the drinks total) remember this party.
They have over 2,500 friends on Facebook
Every person you become friends with, they’re there in the mutual friends list. How did they meet?
They don’t understand why people don’t get on
It makes no sense to the Party Bully that someone they like and someone else they like don’t really rate each other, and they make you realise that everyone’s kind of alright when you get to know them.
They invite friends to other people’s parties
I’m just bringing a couple of friends, they say, and half an hour later they walk in with seven people in toe. Not enough to get angry about
They won’t take no for an answer
Prosecco is God
The blood of a Party Bully is made up of 45% plasma, 35% red blood cells, 0.1% white blood cells, 0.17% platelets and 10% prosecco.
They’re constantly broke
They spent the last of their earnings on a round of tequila for their table and the table next door, only a mere fortnight into the pay month.
They’re constantly late
Because they’re constantly hungover.
They’ll stand on tables a lot for no apparent reason
And probably fall off laughing.
They don’t care what time they go to bed
Sleep is an afterthought. “You can sleep when you’re dead”, they laugh.
They will convince you to go out when there’s absolutely no reason to
There’s legitimately no reason to go out. No one else is out and nothing’s really on. But they texted you saying “let’s go for a drink” and at 4am you are in a chip shop wondering how your life turned out this way.
Fancy dress means fancy dress
If there’s one thing that a Party Bully knows, it’s forced fun. They won’t know what their outfit is the previous day, but they will muster up the most attention seeking outfit they can find.
A party doesn’t need to be fancy dress to be fancy dress
They make everyone do shots
They’ll be there with their tray at predrinks: “Come on, it has to go. Here, okay I’ll do one with you”. They do this with each person and you see them later, unable to speak.
Regardless of whether you are the bully or the bullied, you have to admit the Party Bully keeps things interesting. In the wise words of Tatler: “It’s the unexpected that keeps us young. Which is why, no matter how exhausting we may find them, and however much we (try to) fight them, Party Bullies, in the end, are always right.
“Life without them is unthinkable – it would be a series of regrets and missed opportunities, and a lot of early nights feeling tragically smug.”