Things you’ll only get if you hate summer

It may not be a popular belief, but not everyone likes summer. If you are one of the enlightened few, you may have already noticed just some of these disgusting aspects of the season.

Here’s why I think it’s not all it’s cracked up to be:

The dilemma of what to wear

You know hot weather’s not your thing when you’ve been sweating non-stop since April. You might want to go out, but all you can think about is constantly opening your phone camera to check your mascara hasn’t run halfway down your chin. No, I’m not taking another selfie, I’m just checking I haven’t melted. On the upside, you get to wear really sexy deodorant that only pro-athletes (probably) and serial sweaters use.

What is the point in BBQ’s

The sun’s out! Let’s have a barbeque and play Frisbee and sit around a campfire singing happy songs! Or have a wedding! Or go to Thorpe Park every fucking weekend! Just because it’s sunny does not mean your friends and family become any more interesting. They just get drunk more quickly.

It’s the worst time for hayfever

Soz bees, but we need to ditch the flowers. They make too many people pathetic and itchy. And even if you don’t have allergies, you still have to deal with their endless complaints. You’ll kill them if the daisies don’t.

Having to pretend be ‘healthy’

You do not have to suddenly start eating avocado for every meal just because someone might see you in a swimming cozzie, and, no, this isn’t the season for salad. It’s not ‘light, yet filling’. It’s just not. And yeah, the weather’s nice, but is running even any better when it’s hot and sticky out? When you’re concentrating on not experiencing full cardiac arrest and/or your boobs falling out of your old sports bra, the scenery really doesn’t matter.

Being stuck at home while everyone’s on holiday

If you, like me, live in a town famous for being a post-industrial wasteland, you have no desire to spend three full months there – and because Katie is in Magaluf and John has his internship and Emma’s saving sea turtles, it’s impossible to get everyone together at the same time. Oh, and you’re probably going to be stacking shelves to pay for the one week you do go away. And you’re going to be hungover and sweaty (see above) the whole time that you’re there.

Men feel the need to take their shirts off

By all means free the nipple and love your body and whatever, but please don’t wander around Sainsbury’s with your gut on full show. We’re not in Tenerife. And if women get flack for going braless, so should most of the sunburnt blokes I’ve seen over the years.

Chafing

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check your thin-thigh privilege.

Everywhere is really crowded

Going places in summer makes you wish for a new plague. You can’t walk anywhere without tripping over a child or a businessman eating his lunch ‘al fresco’. Clubs are packed and sticky. Taking public transport feels like a long embrace from your weird uncle. Suddenly everything is sold out or so miserably busy that sitting inside watching Netflix until Autumn is a genuinely attractive prospect. You can binge-watch Twilight and wish that the sun made you sparkly rather than hot and angry.