It’s OK to be uncomfortable with your boyfriend watching porn
Yes, I know it’s not physical cheating
Marisa LeeRegardless of gender, age, or scenario, in any relationship people will find things that their partner does uncomfortable. For a lot of couples, young and old, watching porn is one of them. Sure some couples watch porn together, but usually girls are always told that they shouldn’t be upset with solo play because it’s not physical cheating, or because their boyfriends are still having real sex with them. Not only does porn often give boys unrealistic expectations when it comes to how girls will have sex or what it should be like, it can also make their girlfriends feel insecure, unwanted, and downright sick to their stomachs.
But you know what? It’s time someone said that these feelings are OK. There’s even feminist girls who feel like their being uncomfortable isn’t “very feminist” of them, but your partner watching porn isn’t about gender or physical touching, and it’s not about liberation. Those women love what they’re doing – and that’s not the problem. Good for them. The problem is that it’s being watched by guys who have agreed to be in a sexual relationship with someone off screen. And for the non-on-screen girlfriends who don’t care, you’re in the lucky few. But for those who do, it’s perfectly OK for you to not feel right with your boyfriend whacking one out to other girls.
When you agree to be monogamous with someone, you agree to give your desire, affection, adoration and sexual stimulation to them, but when a boyfriend watches porn, they’re giving it to someone else. It isn’t physical, but that doesn’t mean that the idea of your loved one being satisfied by another person shouldn’t upset you. Flirting isn’t always physical, but we know it’s wrong if you’re in a relationship, so why is porn seen differently? Masturbating to porn means they’re giving part of themselves, which should be saved for you, to someone else. In a committed relationship, the sexual exclusivity is violated.
There’s also the problem of insecurity, both personal and sexual. A guy might like to watch ‘ebony’ or ‘Asian’ porn, or search ‘blonde girl’, which not only contributes to the fetishising of race but also means, quite clearly, that they are attracted to girls who might look nothing like their girlfriends. Although guys can deny this ever happens in person, using a search bar only has one intention. This of course brings the question of whether they want someone else, or someone different. Rationally, this usually isn’t the case and your boyfriend will love you just as you are, but insecurity gets the best of our irrational mind at the worst of times.
Sex can often make or break a relationship, and so can feeling sexually inadequate. Girls in porn can do incredible, unbelievable things with their bodies, which can make us feel ‘boring’ in the bedroom and like we’ll never be as interesting as what can be found on screen. Sex is personal. So when that personal event is shared with someone else, it feels like betrayal.
Finally, porn is undeniably secretive. Those in relationships will lie about it, hide it and make up stories to cover it up. I’m sure you can guess what else people in relationships do this with: it’s called cheating. A girl could have issues with all or just one of these aspects, but all of them are perfectly acceptable. Just think – if you were doing the same thing to a guy online or in physical life, how would they feel?
Boys need to understand why watching porn is uncomfortable for your girlfriends. Girls, if it does happen, try and remain rational and explain these things to your boyfriend. Although it’s hard, remind yourself that (usually), he does still love you and he doesn’t want another girl. He wants instant, easy satisfaction, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be hurt with him getting it.
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