How to survive the fuckboys of Tinder

Thinking of jumping on the Tinder bandwagon for the first time? Worried about how things are going to go down? Well stop it immediately because Babe has got you girl. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to survive the big scary world that is Tinder:

Calm down – Facebook’s got you covered

When you first download Tinder, it’s pretty common for it to generate that mini-heart attack feeling when you realise that you’re forced to login via your Facebook account. Now I know what you’re thinking: oh shit, my Tindering escapades are going to be plastered across social media for all the world to see!

But don’t worry! Facebook has your back.

It doesn’t post anything to your page or give any details on who you’ve matched with, so there’s no fear that your ‘Aunt’ Barbara (Mum’s friend’s sister’s hairdresser) will be pestering you with classic comments such as “Ooooh I see you’ve joined Tinder, you go girl!!! I hope you find a man better than my Steve! Lol Lol Lol!!!”

You know, the usual.

Beware the deplorable dick pic

An alarming number of men seem to have got it into their heads that – in order make a girl immediately drop her knickers – the most logical thing to do is to bombard her with unexplained pictures of your junk. No need for introduction or explanation. Literally just send her a picture of your penis and she will be yours for the taking. No.

Seriously, do you really believe that sending us a dick pic will promptly put us in the mood to have wild, uninhibited sex with you? No way José! How about surprising us with at least a couple of sentences of intelligent conversation before you start undoing your trousers.

Girls – be ready. It’s going to happen. Tinder guys are going to get your number and use it to ‘delight’ you with poorly-lit snaps of their anatomy. Unfortunately there’s really no way to completely dodge the dreaded dick pic, so the best thing to do is to take a deep breath, comment sassily on its miniscule size and then block the shit out of that guy.

Get ready to screenshot

If taken with a pinch of salt, Tindering can be an endless source of entertainment. It’s marketed as a means to come across new and interesting people, and trust me, that is the understatement of the bloody century. I’ve been on Tinder on-and-off for about two years and in that time I’ve crossed paths with a multitude of characters, from cross-dressers to creeps, policemen to perverts – I have literally seen it all.

And I have never had so much use out of my screenshot button.

It’s honestly amazing, the stuff that people have said to me have provided myself and my friends with hours of giggling. For example, a guy once kindly informed me that he only swiped right on my profile in order to let me know that my eyebrows resembled two squashed slugs and that I should seek help immediately.

Then there was the guy who spent a good three days making polite conversation before abruptly announcing that he wanted to (and I quote) suck honey off my toes. But perhaps my favourite was the primary school teacher whose opening line was “Hey, how about you give me an honest cock rating?”

Good lord.

Avoid the cheaters

Unfortunately there isn’t a morality test when it comes to joining Tinder, so it’s highly likely that on at least a couple of occasions you will come across a guy who is already in a relationship. For some reason, it just doesn’t occur to certain lads exactly how obvious it is that they are (at the very least, attempting to be) dirty cheaters – come on mate, your profile picture is you spooning with a girl. Are you for real?

However, some snakey Jakes are a little harder to spot and have to be weeded out with the skill and precision of a landscape gardener. Adultery seems to be a bit of a game to some people, and sadly it often leads to innocent right-swipers getting caught in a bit of a pickle if a guy’s jealous girlfriend ever goes through his Tinder conversations.

Just be on your guard ladies, if he’s being shady he’s probably already got himself a lady.

Put aside any expectations

This is probably the most important tip for any newbie dipping their toes into the lukewarm sea that is Tinder:

You’re single. It’s fun. Don’t take it too seriously.

It might not have the reputation that it once did for being a casual hookup site, but it’s still pretty unlikely that you’re going to find ‘The One’ on there. Before anyone corrects me, yes I know that there are some exceptions to that rule, but at the end of the day this isn’t Match.com and the majority of people you come across won’t be looking for anything too intense.

But don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that by joining Tinder you’re required to throw away all your inhibitions and start jumping into bed with every person you match – you don’t even have to meet them. It can actually be really good therapy to lie in bed when you’re hungover/ feeling sad/ battling the three-headed monster that is PMS and happily swipe left on every single person, regardless of how fit they are. Within minutes you’re transformed into feeling like Queen of the World Beyoncé whom no man will ever be good enough for.