The struggles of living with health-freak housemates
What even is a dairy-free, wheat-free, sugar-free cookie?
2016 has seen the rise of the health freak. The self proclaimed “yoga addict” who follows lifestyle blogs, lives in sports leggings and claims to actually like the taste of kale.
Somehow, this trend has infiltrated it’s way into student life and for the rest of the world who has to put up with this person, life can be tough.
They try to convert you to their ways
Picture this: it’s been a long day. You didn’t do well in that essay, bae won’t reply to your texts and you’re in a bad mood. You come home and want to sit in your room binge watching Netflix and eat some pizza in peace.
But no. The healthfreak is “concerned for your wellbeing”. Then they’ll offer you some advice because they’re a good person.
“Have you tried meditating?” “You should try yoga.” “Why don’t you have some chia pudding instead of another tub of ice cream?”
Every week there’s a new food they consider “The Worst”
Week 1: “Did you know that our bodies aren’t designed to digest dairy? Dairy is The Worst”
Week 2: “So I read this article and it turns out gluten is associated with brain disorders! Isn’t it The Worst?!”
Week 3: “According to a lifestyle blog I found on Instagram not doing yoga at least once a week is The Worst.”
Is it The Worst? Worse than Donald Trump? Worse than nuclear weapons? Worse than ISIS? I doubt it.
They have a really niche irrational hatred for a totally normal food
I understand why people are vegetarians or vegans. Animal farming has with it ethical issues and sure, maybe it might be better for our bodies not to eat meat, whatever. If you want to save the planet and protect the animals, that’s fine by me.
But why is it that every health freak has that one totally normal food that they absolutely hate. For my housemate, it’s soy. I don’t know why, I don’t even think she knows why, but she absolutely hates it. For fourteen years she ate soy without even noticing but for some reason, one day she stopped. And since then soy = the devil.
They look strange wearing clothes that aren’t activewear
They try and convince you that their healthy alternatives to regular food are nice
This is one of the most frustrating parts. Friday night pizza nights used to be fun. We used to sit in front of the TV watching the Kardashians with our wine. Now that a housemates has converted to the health freak this is what she thinks a pizza is.
They pretend that their weird alternative tastes just like regular food but we can see straight past their bullshit. They look longingly at your dairy, gluten, meat filed meal with a look of pure desire.
Now the housemate who has converted to the health freak makes her own pizza with grain free cauliflower crust and homemade kale pesto. No cheese, no tomato but cauliflower and kale. It’s not fair.
Borrowing food is really hard
“Guys does anyone have any pasta I can have?”
“No but I have some courgetti, it’s basically the same thing.”
Is it the same thing though, is it really?
Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes you happier than watching them binge
Watching a health freak crack is like watching a very rare animal emerge from the rainforest. It’s like spotting a double rainbow or a shooting star. Suddenly you feel disorientated. You don’t know what to do. Do you stop them, because you know they’ll complain about this meal for the rest of the month? Or alternatively, do you let them keep going because they have a look in their eyes that makes you ever so slightly question their sanity?
You’re lost, so you just sit and gaze in awe.