The fly on the wall: Life of a real girl

Ah, its the million dollar question…what is it really like to be a girl? It’s not only a lot harder than you think, but a lot stranger too. Sure, the beauty regime isn’t pretty, but the universe has made it up to us girls in so many other ways. Not only did the universe give us Ryan Gosling to look at – but it’s brought us many ups and downs too that make life as a girl so much more interesting than one would presume.

Clothes

Even simply getting dressed for an occasion can cause a mountain of chaos! Despite whether a girl is staring at a wardrobe of clothes that mirrors that of Kim Kardashian’s closet, 9/10 she will always utter the phrase “I have nothing to wear!”. Men have a hard time understanding this phrase. Solving this problem is a military operation. After throwing several dresses, skirts, tops and bras across the room in rage, she results in narrowing down her options, picking 6-7 outfits that quite frankly make her want to cry. Holding back the tears, she rapidly sends Snapchats to every girl she knows, hoping and praying that they will pass on some words of fashion wisdom. But, as all tragic fashion stories end, 90 per cent of the time she will ignore her fellow females advice. With 10 minutes to spare before she has to leave, she screams “Fuck it” and reluctantly picks up the outfit she considered at the beginning of this debacle. Next time you are on a night out and a girl is in a foul mood…she has most likely experienced what I have just described. Keep your distance.

Nails are our best friend…but also our worst enemy

Painting your nails may seem a time for relaxation and pampering, which of course it is at the time, but waiting for those suckers to dry is like waiting for Kanye to stop ranting on Twitter- a never ending annoyance. For those girls who are able to carry on with their day to day activities with wet nails…ladies, I salute you. One of a girl’s worst fears is suddenly needing the toilet after they have spent the last half hour perfecting their nails. As they stare at the toilet seat, they use their wrists as hands, wiggling their arse out of their trousers, speaking to the Gods above that their polish doesn’t smudge! Forget shot-put and javelin… women who have successfully done this are the real gold medal winners!

Shania Twain is are our version of Jesus…

The myths are true! For all those time you saw a young girl in the movies, dancing around with a hairbrush and thought “Gosh, girls don’t really do that, do they?”. Well wake up and smell the cheesy pop music because it happens my friends! What else is a girl supposed to do on a lazy Saturday when she has the house to herself? Knit? Clean? Sweep? No! She must mime badly to a 90’s pop classic, or jump on her bed and rock out to Queen, or if she really wants to push the boat out she can scream the lyrics to “Man, I Feel Like A Woman”- an experience every girl should have Of course, 99 per cent of the time we look and sound ridiculous, with our neighbours thinking we are spending our weekend strangling cats. But once you are empowered by the wise words of Taylor Swift and Beyonce, we no longer know the meaning of “giving a shit”. So next time you are walking by and you hear the deadly sounds of a young girl attempting to reach the vocal pitches of Mariah Carey, just remember she’s having 100x the fun that you are.

Eyes are not only for seeing

A pair of eyes are a girl’s best asset. Considering they are the doors to a person’s soul, they need to look fabulous. This is normally achieved through the wonders of mascara. Oh what a glorious invention! Some may believe when a girl applies mascara, just stares beautifully at herself with a cheeky pout in place, looking as sultry as ever. Urm, sorry lads, this is not the case. Most of the time, she pulls the classic open-mouth face with her eyelids pulled up like demons trying not to drool over herself. Very attractive. Once the mascara has had its time in the spotlight, it still like to make an appearance the next morning. Yet, rather than being on your eyelashes, it’s all over your face and as you look in the mirror you ask yourself “Since when did I turn into Alice Cooper?”

Winter is a time for giving… but can also bring a girl closer to her boobs

The phrase “boob oven” may not be familiar among most, but when you do understand, you will be wishing you had one/ When you’re young, poor, or a student perhaps, you can’t afford to go around flashing your cash on gloves or mittens. You need something reliable, something that will last, and something that can easily keep your hands warm whenever and wherever. Fortunately, girls have been blessed with breasts! Breasts that, with hands tucked underneath, can offer you the warmth and comfort of any pair of gloves. It’s not often you will find a girl sat in bed with a pair of gloves on. That’s because her hands are normally tucked in under her tits. So if you ever walk in on your friend, sister or girlfriend in this pose…no she is not finding new ways to enhance her sex drive…she is just cold.

 

Shaving is not Venus’ fire or desire… but more disaster

I’m sure you have seen the famous shaving adverts that display shaving as a sexy and glamorous activity. Despite how the women are always seen shaving hairless legs (Yep. Sure. Makes sense), it’s a difficult process getting those legs as a smooth as a Marvin Gaye tune! Rather than sitting beautifully on your bathroom tiles, with steam and candles as your backdrop, you are forced to stand awkwardly in your shower trying to shave each and every crevasse of your body! You lift up your legs like an orang-utan hoping to God you don’t cut yourself. Whatever you do, as hard as you try, you will always miss a spot, forcing you to quickly dry shave…a fate us girls always try to avoid.