Hey, Forever 21 — u ok, hun?

Forever 21 is turning 33 this year, and something tells me it’s having it’s mid-life crisis a tad early because WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE:

We should have seen it coming, really. I mean, everyone has been a little concerned for F21 ever since they started ruining perfectly good clothes with slogans like ‘Smile, Happy looks good on you :)’ and ‘Forever 21. all day. erry day.’ (Strange capitalization courtesy of F21, obvs).

Public opinion of Forever 21 has been dropping rapidly, and it doesn’t look like that’s stopping any time soon. Get ready to extend your boycott past the peculiar graphic tees and into the realm of jewelry. More specifically, body jewelry.

First, take a moment to envision what body jewelry means to you. We’re looking at arm cuffs, anklets, maybe a waist chain if you’re lucky enough to have been to Coachella. At the very most you’re probably envisioning those necklaces which come down through the cleavage and loop around the back, right?

NOPE.

We’ll start off tame;

The fact that this is in the body jewelry section rather than the crop tops section is a bit of a red flag. It’s basically a chainmail bikini top, so if you’re going for ‘Slave Leia’ in Return of the Jedi then this is beyond perfect, but wearing it anywhere other than a fancy dress party would be kind-of weird. Not to mention the nipple chafing, which must be horrific.

If you think that the jewelry bras end there, you’d be wrong. These bad boys offer less nipple pain but also less support. Like, a LOT less support;

I’m not going to lie – these are beautiful. I wish I was the kind of kween who could get out of bed in the morning and have the energy to restrict my boobs with chains in the name of fashion. In reality, however, a regular underwired bra seems like too much effort half the time. This gorgeous but unattainable trend will have to be left to elven folk who waft around in clouds of perfume wearing boob chains under silken robes.

I bet you’re wondering why such interesting chain bras don’t come with matching garters? Well, wonder no more;

If your life is void of a matching bra and garter set made of candy necklaces? Bingo! I can’t be the only one who remembers those awful candy thongs which were THE secret santa gift between embarrassing adults in 2006, and these are basically a direct rip-off. Except worse, because you can’t even eat them.

I bet you were worried that we wouldn’t get back around to the leg bondage, but fear not;

In addition to the fetching velvet knee straps that lured you in, you can also buy some leather thigh straps or some dainty chains. The chains are gorgeous, the leather straps are strange, but most of all I’m concerned by the fact that they only come in one size. Not all of us are lucky enough to have legs like the gals in these photos. Some of us are lucky enough to have mermaid thighs. Just as beautiful, except we’d probably end up wearing these accessories round our ankles, and somehow I don’t think that would have the same sensuous effect.

Speaking of ankles;

If you want to look like you’re a medieval bread thief who has been left to rot in a dungeon, great! I mean, these aren’t even remotely pretty, they just look like leg cuffs. Come on.

But oh wait, it gets worse;

Ahhhh, the pièce de résistance! Sandals without the shoe bit! What a world we live in!

Seriously, though. It’s like they’ve taken the ugliest possible sandals and removed the only functional part, leaving nothing but useless and revolting ankle ornaments.

I am confused, I am disappointed, I am jealous of elven boob chain waifs, and I am concerned for the wellbeing of our once beloved Forever 21.

@lexirowan