Brands that need to die in 2016

Move on


We’ve all made mistakes committing to brands before. Like pining after Skechers as a teenager only to find out you should really only like them a little bit (and love your Fendi backpack). What was cool and worth saving or buying five of last year, last month, or last week, will eventually become past it. Take the initiative now before you plan your Summer aesthetic and kill off your least favourite brands, the ones that need to die this year anyway. Then embrace different brands, you decadent Western pig.

Victoria’s Secret

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There was a time when VS seemed aspirational, exotic, sexy and cool. You were probably younger then. You watched the shows and wanted to be an angel and used to go with your mates and buy the knickers deal because it was all you could afford, and you thought your mum would get annoyed at the bras. Now, Victoria’s Secret seems more accessible, more tacky, stickier. The pink walls and sickly sweet perfume don’t make you feel like Cara Delevingne. Girls who still shop there are like the sixth formers that never grew up. The ones who peaked in school, who probably still have sleepovers in PINK booty shorts, who will always have bronzer when you need it.

Fjallraven

@thefoxandfern featuring the Fog Kånken! #unpackadventure #discovernewplaces #kanken #fjallraven

A photo posted by Fjällräven Official (@fjallravenusa) on

Just because it has a logo on it, it doesn’t mean it’s not a backpack – and backpacks aren’t cool, especially when every single person in the tube carriage is wearing the same one and awkwardly trying to squeeze past each other like a shit horizontal game of Tetris.

Ralph Lauren

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Been dead since after Rachel Green left for Paris.

Jack Wills

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Jack Wills literally still exists hahaha.

Hollister

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It’s like Abercrombie, but with less nice clothes and less topless men. It’s less cool, doesn’t smell as great – even the logo is childish and ugly.

Tommy Hilfiger 

April 28, 1997: Los Angeles, CA Aaliyah 'Next Generation Jeans' Tommy Hilfiger Ad Shoot Photo by Alex Berliner © Berliner Studio/BEImages

The day people started sewing on Tommy Hilfiger logo onto Fruit of The Loom T-shirts and selling them for £50 on E-Bay, it lost any remaining appeal. It started out as nostalgic, cool and effortless, but quickly became the uniform for 13-year-old girls to wear to their boarding school socials. It’s literally just a really huge flag and some letters on a plain T-shirt but you’ll pay more for it than a dinner for two.

New balance

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They’re last year’s Adidas Superstars tbh.

Boohoo

Look, we all appreciate the basics. The t-shirts for a fiver, the jeans without the massive pink Boohoo brand on the bum, we’ll all be forgiven for those. But the Boohoo main events, the body con dresses and printed two pieces and plastic shoes – these are where you make the mistake. It never fits right, it never comes on time, and it’s always polyester. Save yourself the hassle and the £15 and just go on Depop.

Dr Oetker

You always end up buying those cheap pizzas. Why don’t you love yourself?

Yeezy

This is basically an UGG boot, and you’ve paid £800 for them.

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Canada Goose

Dear winter, you just got told. #AskAnyoneWhoKnows

A photo posted by Canada Goose (@canadagoose) on

You’ve spent a grand and everyone outside the shop wants to throw red paint on you for killing animals. It will never be cold enough to justify this.

They trap coyotes for that tiny bit of fur at the top. And you look like a dick.

Supreme

Supreme®/The North Face®

A photo posted by Supreme (@supremenewyork) on

Let’s take a moment to consider how someone has made a multi-million pound business out of putting a red logo on white (sometimes grey) t-shirts. There is one with just a can of soup on it. Dress it up with your Yeezys, your Palace, your Stone Island, but at the end of the day it’s just a brand for confused young men who define their personality by the clothes on their back, and the price of the trainers on their feet.

Heelys

Seriously fuck Heelys.

Lululemon

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Oh, you go to the gym do you? You do yoga do you? You drink matcha tea do you? Well it’s 7pm, so no matter how many Instagram followers you have, it’s probably time to take off your fucking gym leggings. You’ll be the one complaining when they end up giving you thrush. 

Starbucks

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Not content with silently killing all of us by packing 42 grams of sugar into a Chai Latte, Starbucks also don’t like paying tax. When you Instagram your frappe you’re not only signalling how basic you are, you’re also silently consenting to their dastardly tax avoidance.

Michael Kors Rose Gold watches

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Joel got me it for our six month anniversary. I had to take some links out because me arms are just so delicate. We’ll probably move in together after a year. It matches my Kurt Geiger shoes.

Actually, now we’re on it:

Kurt Geiger shoes

140 quid to match with every other girl on your Psychology course. I could get them in Topshop.

Addison Lee

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Who in this day and age calls an Addison Lee cab to get home? It doesn’t matter if you’re using a taxi app that’s trying to fight a war they can’t win against Uber. It doesn’t matter if your mate from school works for them. Either get a black cab, or get an Uber. The sort of person who gets an Addison Lee asks you to pay them back 50p. They probably wear fleeces, and on bad days reuse tea bags.

Royal Mail

In 2007, Amazon Prime reached our shores. Initially the service provided free two-day shipping and discounted one-day services too. In 2015 they launched same-day delivery. In Munich, if you own an Audi, Amazon will put your package in your boot for you. You can get them to deliver to your car when you’re not even there. How the fuck has Grandma’s birthday card not arrived, I posted it three weeks ago.

Skechers

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They peaked when Britney sued them.

Oakley

Wrap around sunglasses exist on the ski slopes of the 90s, and that’s about it. With reflective lenses, they’re either being revived by poker players or men wearing three quarter length shorts and flip flops all year round. They cost an absolute bomb, and they make you look like a young fogey.

By Roisin Lanigan, Daisy Bernard, Grace Vielma, Bella Eckert, Oli Dugmore, Bobby Palmer, and Tom Jenkin.