Which type of person are you on Snapchat?
Everyone hates the screenshotters
Snapchat blew onto the scene in the last few years and changed the way we annoy each other via social media forever. You are likely to fall into one of the below categories, but which one is it?
The one who is ALWAYS drunk
Yeah, we get it, you’re a hoot, and you’re drunk (again) – this time on a Tuesday night. The fact you seem to be eternally hosed combined with the fact your judgement is impaired leads to a bang-av story.
The person who drinks, but not a lot
A patio, very green grass (possible filtered), crossed legs with a single glass of chardonnay held whimsically in shot. “Weekend!” written in the top right hand corner, probably in pink. This will be Alice’s one moment of pleasure all week. She probably won’t even finish that glass of wine. She probably puts ice in it. She’s the kind of girl who Snapchats a single peach cocktail at an All Bar One but winces when she sips it.
The person who loves to draw
There are apps for this childish habit but those apps aren’t Snapchat please stop embellishing all your pics.
Everyone knows that being a smug, in-love couple on Facebook is completely socially unacceptable, and they accept this and move on with their lives, conducting their relationships in the real world. It’s a fact of life, and when you try to get around it by posting your smug-in-love-status on Snapchat instead, it’s transparent. Everyone knows what you’re doing, and you can’t hide it with cat filters, “we’re so fun and we don’t take ourselves too seriously” face swaps, or sped-up videos of you two walking in the Cotswolds with a beagle. You’re still as smug as you were on Facebook, except then I can hide it from my timeline and avoid a simmering annoyance. On Snapchat, I have to boil that annoyance down to a 10-second-or-less window, and it’s all I can take not to screenshot it as a cautionary tale never to become this boring and self-satisfied. If you were this in love, you wouldn’t be recording every second of it.
You gym, we get it.
Person who takes everything to chat
“Oh my god are you drinking again!” “He looks so fit tonight” “Are you already out? Can you bring home washing up liquid?” – At least have the decorum to ask me these things in fun image format. Perhaps hold up an empty bottle of washing up liquid, or pull a funny face while accusing me of being an alcoholic. When you take it to chat you drain any fun or spontaneity out of the experience. I’d rather save this medium of conversation for risky sexting. I’d rather you send me a WhatsApp or passive aggressive post-it note.
The nudes lover
I mean yeah it’s great but I’d like to be able to open one of your snaps in public some day.
The one who goes really overboard with their hangover snaps
Big night out yeah? I had one too. I sent one pic, side frame, in bed with smudged eyeliner, to my closest friend, then I threw up and got on with my day. Apparently it’s not as big as your one though, if your five minute story complete with a montage of you in bed (still looking suspiciously put together), with captions like “help me” “I need to spoon” and “never drinking again” are anything to go by.
Everyone knows that the novelty of Snapchat lies in the fact the image is erased from existence once and for all after a time-period of my choosing. If I wanted you to have a picture of me, eating cake with 12 chins in your photo library, I would have Whatsapped it to you.
The person who asks their mate to film them
And you can hear the end of the “3, 2, 1” countdown at the beginning – and “did you get it?” at the end.
The people who use the time function to show how late they’re up
“Still awake” they caption it – crying out for someone, anyone, to message them.
It starts with an introductory snapchat. “Scare day”. Then you flick through as the perpetrator screams “AHHH!” in the face of everyone they come across that day. In spite of yourself, you find it pretty amusing.
The lip sinc-er
Because they want to share their drunken rendition of “I’m every woman” with their friend’s ex-boyfriend’s mate from home.
The Kim K
That pout, those nails. You probably even have one of those light-up phone cases too, don’t you?
Person who sends you the snapchat they send to your story
I thought I was special, you dick.
The 10-second time waster
No, Tom, I didn’t need to see that picture of your face saying, “Hi” for TEN FUCKING SECONDS. I waited because I thought there may be another.
We saw your check-in on Facebook and your Instagram. You’re on holiday and I am not. This doesn’t stop you doing exactly the same when you do eventually go away.
The pet obsessor
How do they find so many animals? Selfie after selfie of them squishing someone elses cat/dog/rabbit, and sometimes even them stalking a random animal on the street.
The one who just doesn’t understand that faceswap has had its day
The never-ending storyer
We all know at least one person who does this, and you’re thinking about them now.
The one who never takes pictures of their face
Am I being catfished?
The person who only ever takes pictures of half their face
It just looks fitter and I will never be ashamed of it.
The one who you don’t want to know you’ve watched their story
You’ve been trying to retain your dignity ever since you slept with that guy in the office, and now you’ve accidentally watched his story. Especially with that new update that autoplays the next one along. Now you just sit there, praying he doesn’t look at his viewing list.
The one who doesn’t realise the sound isn’t working
The filter kween
You’re like the girl in school who was a little too pretty to ever have to develop a personality. Stop relying on filters to make your snapchats worthy. In moderation, sure, and especially if it add an element to your snap. But putting a flower crown on doesn’t make that close up worth three seconds of my life.
The ‘omg work is so hard’
“#mondays #backtowork”, they caption it. Probably with a pic of them in a headset. We get it, you work. So do a lot of people.
The ‘calm before the storm’
Woooah hold up guys, Dan and the boys are about to have a big night. How do we know? Because they’re all ready for predrinks, every single one is looking fly, and they’ve sent you a Snapchat with the time filter on and a warning that the it’s T-minus zero hours until the big night begins. Dan will be in bed by 11.
Person who is always in transit
Ah, Dan’s on the tube again. Now he’s off. Now he’s putting the mph symbol on a train – perhaps he’s gone home for the weekend? Oh, now he’s at an airport, is it Heathrow? There are some little airplane emojis. Now he’s at a beach, there’s an emoji of a man surfing. Usually you don’t give it much more thought than a cursory jealous scroll, but now you mention it, what does Dan actually do? Where is he going? How can he afford this? When he comes home every few weeks to an excited dog in his hallway, does it even remember who he is?
The one who thinks they’re Boiler Room
If I want to watch a DJ set, I’ll either try to go or watch it online. Your teeny phone microphone is not built for such things.
The Android user with the children’s writing
Update your phone. You’re embarrassing yourself and iPhone plans aren’t even that expensive.
The one who keeps snapchatting people who don’t want to be snapchatted
They’ll be videoing their friend across the table, who’ll either be hiding their face, ignoring them or looking like they’re about to slap the phone out of their hand.
The person who keeps using the dog tongue filter for a 15-second video
The dog tongue filter can make anyone look fit, even if you are an actual dog. If you have to use it for a fifteen-second video, you’re probably a bit of a dog.
The one who takes video selfies on a night out on the dancefloor
It looks cool on Snapchat, until you see someone else doing it in real life on the dancefloor and you realise how awkward and uncomfortable it looks, how they awkwardly shuffle around while they post it and retake it and put a filter on it and post it again, how nobody looks as happy and carefree and oh-my-god-Sally-I-fucking-love-you-and-this-song as they did when they were on video. Just enjoy your night.
The one who geofilters even though they’re always in the same place
We get it, Dave, you work in Shoreditch. Don’t use a face-distortion emoji to try to make it look like that’s not what you’re trying to do.
The really fit one whose story you watch several times
You try to do it in the most secretive way as possible, but it’s hard to pretend you’re not being a creep when you know all the details of Sophie’s weekend dog walk because you watched it six times just to get a fleeting glance of her face. Every so often you will worry that people can see how many times you’ve seen a story, and the blood will drain from your perverted face.
By Grace Vielma, Daisy Bernard, Tom Jenkin, Roisin Lanigan, Oli Dugmore, Bobby Palmer, Lizzie Thompson and Bella Eckert.