Everything boys want girls to stop doing in bed

It’s another comprehensive list


Sex is great. We all have it, we all love it. But there are sometimes things which could be better about it. You know the things we mean – you wouldn’t mention them at the time because you wouldn’t want to spoil the moment, but you definitely notice them. With that in mind, we’ve put together the big things, the one guys want you to know about, but are too awkward to tell you.

Trying to undo my flies for me

I actually struggle to undo them myself sometimes, and I’m really scared you’re going to trap my ball skin in my zipper. How about you do your bra strap and get back to me. And always avoid button jeans at all costs.

Making too much eye contact during oral

I get that you want to see if I’m enjoying it, but I’m more conscious of the unflattering view you’re getting of my Michelin man neckbeard.

This could be me and you...

Scratching

Amazing in principle, shit in real life.

Too much ball play

Yeah, I know they’re down there, but you really don’t have to spend too much time tending to them. They’re like a shit side to the main course, so it’s fine to have a little fondle but we’d rather you just stick to the dick. Neither of us wants to see you trying to gargle them.

Making us take our socks off

But they’re so far away and I won’t be able to find them in the morning.

Being too loud

It just makes me very aware that I’m being really quiet. Then I start wondering whether it’s creepier to be quiet or to start grunting, and before long I’m not having any fun because I’m spending too much time trying to gauge if you’re expecting me to try and talk dirty.

Butt stuff

What? No, I don’t enjoy that, haha, no way, not up there. Don’t stop though.

Saying ‘You like that?’

I mean, yes. Is that what I’m supposed to say? Yes? Is this a rhetorical question?

Wanting to make out after you’ve finished

‘I know it’s an anthropological inheritance, but guys shouldn’t switch off straight away’. Yes we should, we’re bloody exhausted. Put it this way, if you’ve just run a record-setting marathon, you don’t really want to go for casual jog after, do you? In much the same way, after sex, we want to lie back and think about the brilliant job we’ve done.

Teeth

Why does everyone say that a little bit of teeth is a good thing? It’s fucking not. Shall I nibble on your clit like a matinee canape? No? Well don’t think that grating my bell end is a worthy use of your time.

Standard night in for me.

Asking me to remove your skinny jeans

They always get stuck around your ankles. 

Kissing after you’ve sucked me off

There comes a time, maybe between the first and second kid, just after we’ve put down the deposit on our semi-detached. That’s probably the time where I will allow this to happen. But then, as I get past it, you stop and pull something out of your teeth.

Sucking my nipple, even for a really short time

I understand it’s a point on the way between face and crotch, but please don’t stop there, even for a nibble. I’m going to feel like a pig suckling its young, and you’re just going to get hair between your teeth.

Not wanting to do doggie all the time

Objectively, doggie is the best sex position available to us when our very limited knowledges of the kama sutra are combined. So let’s get down to brass tacks and stop fucking around with missionary.

When you start kissing around the pelvis, which is actually really ticklish

You’ve spent a couple of minutes getting down there, really taken your time to build me up and you know what, that’s great. I really appreciate that. But then you can’t blame a guy for giggling like a little girl when it feels like they’re being tickled with a feather.

Trying to take my pants off with your teeth

You think it looks demure, but really you look like a dog trying to pull the leather off a rugby ball.

When a girl asks you to do a thing their ex did

Pedro used to hang from the ceiling fan and plough me like the golden oats in his grandfather’s field.” That’s fine, I’ll do that, as long as you keep telling me my dick is bigger.

By Oli Dugmore, Bobby Palmer and Tom Jenkin.