The struggles you go through when you’re clumsy
Please don’t ask me to pour the water
Being a clumsy person may be amusing for those around you, but everyone who has suffered from it knows how seriously awkward it actually is.
It can be painful, embarrassing and damn right destructive for yourself and anyone within a 100m radius of your actions.
You fall over literally all the time
With constant bruises and grazed hands, falling over is a part of your daily routine. From concussion to knees cut open, you achieve in trainers what most people would only dream of doing smashed in six inch heels while zorbing.
Five seconds into a first date you will find yourself faceplanting at the feet of potential bae, while bouncers have learnt to greet you with tears in your eyes, blood on your forehead and a mild concussion, as you fell over on the road outside the club.
You smash everything
There are no glasses left in your house. You turn around, smashing a wine glass aggressively against the wall while smacking into the person next to you. Once, you literally blocked yourself in a room barefoot due to leaving tiny pieces of glass in a circle around you.
Mum won’t let you use the Emma Bridgewater mugs and there’s a special ASDA set of glassware put aside just for you.
You can’t pour drinks
Ever since you were a little girl, being asked to pass the water jug across the family supper table was terrifying, as everyone waited in anticipation for the inevitable spillage all over granny’s cottage pie.
This hasn’t improved over time. At the age of 20, your friends still won’t trust you with the wine bottle, as precious prosecco could easily go flying across the flat, along with a smashed champagne flute.
You knock everything over
Wake up, knock over your morning juice. Go to work, knock over your coffee. Go to lunch, knock over yours, and everyone sitting around you’s, water. Go to dinner, knock over your wine. Go out, knock over half a dozen Jagerbombs onto the clothes of an already stressed out barman.
Nothing is safe from your manic hands, and you’re probably the only person who didn’t bother getting Apple Care.
Sport is dangerous
Not only are you terrible at catching the rounders ball, but the fact that you’re so poor at catching makes you scared you’ll break your hands. So, you literally ran away from that flying object.
You were always last to be picked for the team, normally found yourself in the “development squad” and are still in beginners’ ski classes after four weeks on the Alps.
Shopping can be chaotic
You cannot simply run your fingers along that fur scarf in Selfridges. Instead, your bag gets caught on the rails and the entire stock of Whistles comes dramatically crashing to the ground.
You’ve probably also got yourself stuck in a dress in the changing rooms and have heard a prominent rip. God help you in the sales.
You drop everything
You dropped your tray every lunch time at school, to the sound of hundreds of sixth formers cheering. You’re that idiot outside the library who’s running after hundreds of lose sheets of paper which contain a 100 per cent summie.
As a child you were banned from holding your childhood guinea pig, and continue today to not be trusted with the family baby.
For the love of God, don’t give me the top bunk. In fact, don’t give me any bed that isn’t king sized, caged in by iron railings and surrounded by soft landing mats.