This is a definitive list of clothes you shouldn’t wear after you’ve graduated

Graduation is a milestone. It is a point of no return. There are many things you must give up; there are many things you will start doing. But mainly, you need to sort out your look.

The clothes that were once accepted – championed, even – on campus or on a night out at the SU, are now just a reminder that you’re no longer a student and need to start acting like an adult. This is what you need to put in a bin bag and take to the charity shop.

Tattoo choker necklaces

Sure they were great in first year to show everyone how badass you were and that you love the noughties, but they’re time is well and truly over.

Vests on men

There is no excuse for a vest in your adult 20s: not even if you’ve been hitting the gym a lot recently, or you’ve had a quick session on the sun beds. It should have been left in on your lads holiday in Maga, along with your dignity.

Crochet crop tops

As soon as Primark started selling them in every colour, we knew their time had come.

Muddy nike air max

After graduation it’s time to part with your beloved air max – their scruffy atheistic doesn’t fly in the working world. Time to invest in some suede.

A bottle opener on your key ring

The one you got at Freshers’ fair and the one everyone asked to borrow at every pre-drinks you ever attended. But it has served its purpose: as an adult, having a Walkabout key ring on your chain is a damning totem of immaturity.

Ellesse

Your jumper looked cool when you were smoking a rollie on your doorstep, but if you wear it on a night out in the City people are just going to try and give you their loose change. 

Harem trousers as daywear

They are comfy, yes. But repping your 2012 gap year gear isn’t really acceptable four years after you got back from Goa. Plus they smell a little. Even after you’ve washed them, a mustiness lingers. It’s time to move on.

Bum bags on a night out

A bum bag at a club signposts a very specific mission: “I’m going to get fucked up tonight and a bag will just get in my way.” You think you’re nailing the festi vibes, which you are, except you’re not at a festival, so it’s not the vibe to pursue. You are trying too hard. Buy a clutch; get a tote bag like a normal person.

Scrunchies

They make you look like you’re going to your year one modern tap class lesson.

Bucket hats

Hell no.

Huge puffa jackets

The ones that are so big it’s like you’re wearing a dressing gown. Yeah they’re comfy and practical, but once you’ve graduated they’re best left for countryside walks.

Shorts and flip flops in winter

You’re not on campus any more. People will stare at you if you walk around half-dressed in sub-zero temperatures. As they should.

University hoodies

These are acceptable indoors, in your own home. If you venture further than your front door, passers-by will think you are wearing a try-hard ‘University of Oxford’ hoodie from a tacky tourist shop on Tottenham Court Road. They will think you are an idiot.

PJs outside the house

Leave popping to Tesco hungover in your PJs to your university days. You look like Kerry Katona.

Laddered tights

At uni, ladders in your tights are fun, sexy and carefree. Who can afford a new pair of tights after every night out when you’re a bloody student, right? But after uni the ladders loose their Effy Stonem charm, they look grubby and dishevelled – and not in that nice grungy way.

Bindis, glitter or facial gems on a night out

There was a period at university when everyone wore them. This period ends when university does – arguably before. Arguably, it ought not to have started: there’s definitely a cultural appropriation question there.

Hollister T-shirts

The last time people were wearing Abercombie and Hollister was 2009. Who are your friends, and why have they let you get to this stage still wearing a pastel Hollister tee?

Novelty sunglasses

They were from Primark. They were cheap – so cheap – and yet you held onto them. For what? In case you found yourself at a ‘warehouse rave’ or starring in a shit music video? Throw. Them. Out.

Festival wristbands

You’re sitting in the conference room next to your new boss and he asks you for the time. You look to your wrist for your watch, which is nestled between three or four mouldy festival bands. No one actually cares if you’ve been to Glastonbury three years in a row. Grow some balls, get a life: cut them off.

Backpacks on a night out

You know, those really tiny ones. What can you even fit in them, really? And your just asking to get your phone and wallet nicked.

Novelty T-shirts

You know the one: the Revs top you got from the Freshers’ Fair and wore to the gym for three years. Go to Adidas, buy some proper sports kit. Burn the trash.

Socks and sliders

This is a trend that was made famous in university halls across the country. It is also a jarring combination. Socks require shoes; sandals match toes. You are not reinventing fashion; you are embarrassing yourself. Your dad also wears socks and sandals, and he is a middle-aged man in crisis. You are in your 20s.

Clothes with holes in

Adults don’t wear jumpers with holes in them.