Which Harry Potter character is your uni?

Nobody wants to be Filch

University is certainly a magical time – but it’s not exactly Hogwarts, is it?

But don’t worry: we at The Tab have heard your wishes, and now we’re sending you your very own magical acceptance letter.

Here’s what your uni would be, if J.K. had something to say about it.

Cambridge – Dumbledore

Cambridge

You wear old-fashioned clothes, you have a raspy posh voice and, let’s be honest, you’re probably cultivating a neckbeard. You’re the most powerful institution in the country, but it’s easy to be respected when you’re as old as time itself.

Oxford – Voldemort

Pasty reptilians in robes spouting Shakespearean dialogue and wishing death upon anyone they deem inferior. Sound familiar? Shame you’re constantly beaten in the actual popularity stakes by Durham, or that you’re conspicuously lacking in the looks department.

Durham – Harry Potter

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You’ve got it all going on for you: despite your outwardly nerdy appearance you’re unfeasibly popular, and despite being a characterless wet blanket you’re surprisingly good at pulling. Scarred by Oxford and mentored by Cambridge, there’s nothing standing in your way – but if you’re meant to be the hero, why are you so hard to like?

Oxford Brookes – Nagini

Because there’s nothing snakier than watching your BFF get with your ex in Fuzzy Ducks.

Exeter – Lucius Malfoy

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All the girls at Exeter look like this.

Manchester – Draco Malfoy

Probably posh, probably blonde, probably having a good old cry over what to wear to Koh Tao tonight or sneering at a fresher in heels.

MMU and Salford – Crabbe and Goyle

Manchester’s left and right hand men, you’re essentially here for knuckleheaded comic relief.

Newcastle – Ginny Weasley

Newcastle

No-one really takes that much notice of Newcastle – and, like you pretending to be sober after a few trebles, Ginny’s acting is just terrible. You’re probably shagging someone from Durham as well.

Northumbria – Fred & George Weasley

Newcastle’s idiot brothers – let’s be honest, you definitely still find whoopie cushions funny.

Nottingham – Tom Riddle

Notts

Not really one of the lads: shy, swotty and a bit off generally – definitely one of the most boring of the not crap unis. That said, they’ll probably end up surprising you in later life.

Nottingham Trent – Tom Riddle’s diary

Nottingham, but full of sordid, mental details.

Leeds – Hermione

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You’re clever enough to hunker down in the Brotherton, but attractive enough to woo Viktor Krum at the RAG Fashion Show. You have got a snobby streak about you though – whether it be how to pronounce a spell or what DJ you’re seeing at Wire this Friday. It’s DJ E-zed, not DJ E-zee.

Leeds Beckett  – Crookshanks

Not only does the Carnegie Cat bear more than a passing resemblance to Hermione’s moody mog, but Leeds students share a similar relationship with their Beckett friends after a Friday night at Warehouse: stroking their hair back while they cough up furballs.

Leeds Trinity – Cat Hermione

Trinity

Neither Leeds nor Beckett, Trinity is something much uglier which should never have been allowed to exist.

Liverpool – Fluffy when the harp is playing

The students of Liverpool are tamed beasts: they’re residents of a city madder than a three-headed hound, but they know when to stop going wild in favour of soothing classical music/revision.

JMU – Fluffy when the harp stops playing

Like Liverpool, but more prone to salivating and biting strangers.

York – Aragog

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

A hideous creature, squatting bunker-like in an area of natural beauty. Is that York’s campus or Aragog?

York St. John – The Whomping Willow

In roughly the same area as Aragog, but more violent and a lot dumber.

UCAS – The sorting hat

Not Lincoln. Anywhere but Lincoln.

Sheffield – Ron Weasley

Sheffield

Most lads at Sheffield (bless ‘em) would love to go up to Leeds for a night out and get off with one of those gorgeously unattainable former private school girls. Being ginger, thick and covered in freckles ain’t going to help you lads – bloody hell.  

Sheffield Hallam – Ron Weasley’s flying car

Ron’s the only one taking these greasy old bangers for a ride.

The NUS – Dolores Umbridge

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Listening to someone from the NUS talk is like hearing Dolores Umbridge address Hogwarts pupils – both explain everything in the condescending way you’d talk to a tiny child.

We wouldn’t put using a black quill past them either.

Loughborough – Cedric Diggory

Athletic, handsome, brave, youthful – and destined to do absolutely nothing with their lives.

Bristol – Luna Lovegood

Bristol

Bristol gals, with their chokers and harem pants, their bindis and extensive holiday plans – so otherworldly, so eccentric – they’re more Luna than they will ever really understand.

UWE – Professor Trelawney

Like Bristol, but you probably wouldn’t, you know what I mean?

Cardiff – Peter Pettigrew

Cardiff

There’s a rat inside the Russell Group, and we know it’s you – scuttle back to Wales where you belong.

USW – Scabbers

Like Cardiff, but more gross.

UEA – Hagrid

Don’t mind us, UEA. You just sit there in your cabin in the arse end of Norwich, hot-boxing your cabin and talking to the giant spiders.

Bangor – Grawp

Bangor

*Unintelligible grunting*

Aberystwyth – Professor Slughorn

Let’s be honest, if dopey Aberystwyth could transform into anything it would be a dusty old second-hand armchair.

QUB – Seamus Finnigan

QUB

Beyond the Irish connection, Seamus is feckless, rowdy and probably something of an alcoholic – he’d fit right in in the Holylands. Remember when he covered himself in soot? That’s what happens when you try and take a shit down a chimney.

Southampton – Merpeople

Southampton

You’re shackled to the ocean and you look like shit.

Edinburgh – Professor McGonagall

You’re Scottish and you don’t like people having fun.

St Andrews – Snape

St Andrew

With your robes, your dull voice and your lank, greasy hair, you’re a dead-ringer for Snape. The only difference is, he ends up being a good guy.

Aberdeen – Fenrir Greyback

You’ve got hairy palms, you howl at the moon, and you never wear a shirt.

Falmouth – Colin Creevey

Falmouth

Stop. Taking. Photos.

Warwick – The Dementors

Because if there was ever anywhere capable of sucking all the joy out of anything, it would be Warwick.

Birmingham – Sirius Black

Because your name describes the constant colour of the sky in Birmingham.

Aston – Lupin

Serious and business-like during the day, don’t let an Aston student fool you: when the full moon comes out and the Snobs dancefloor starts calling, they’ll turn into a wolf before your eyes.

BCU – Mad Eye Moody

BCU

Everyone at BCU looks like this.

Bath – Neville Longbottom

We don’t know if it’s something in the water at Bath, but you turned up as a dweeb yet graduated really, really fit.

Kent/CCCU – The dragons

Right, one of you is probably a Hungarian Horntail, and the other is meant to be a Norwegian Ridgeback. But you know what? We couldn’t tell you apart to save our lives.

Sussex – Dobby

Sussex

Because people at Sussex wouldn’t bat an eyelid at wearing a pillowcase in public.

Brighton – Kreacher

Like Sussex after too many mind-altering drugs.

UCL – Gilderoy Lockhart

UCL

All the gear, no idea: UCL students are the Gilderoy Lockharts of London. They’ll talk themselves up when they’re trying to pull at Loop, but we all know they’d be running scared if their life, or their inheritance, was threatened.

King’s – Professor Quirrell

A less slick version of UCL, King’s think they’re cultured because they don a purple turban and went to India in their gap year. Underneath their exterior, though, they’re hiding something: whether it be a love for the Dark Lord, or just a love for Walkabout Wednesdays.

Imperial – Hedwig

Wise, elegant, and so Modafinil-eyed and nocturnal in the Central Library that you’ve probably convinced yourself that you can fly.

Central St Martins – Kingsley Shacklebolt

CSM

I mean, look at those garms.

London Met – The shrunken head on the Knight Bus

Sallow-faced and streetwise, you spend most of your evenings on the night bus rambling drunkenly at passed-out strangers.

LSE – Griphook

LSE

You’re weedy and miserable and you’ll definitely end up in banking.

Royal Holloway – Moaning Myrtle

You spend most of your nights crying hysterically in the girls’ toilets.

Royal College of Music – The Weird Sisters

You think you’re Radiohead. You’re not.

Royal Agricultural University – Mandrakes

The Royal Agricultural College, Cirencester

Screaming babies covered in soil.

Herts Uni – Thestrals

To see a Thestral you have to have been in the presence of death, which is basically the feeling you get when you visit the Herts Uni campus.

Royal Veterinary College – Newt Scamander

RVC

You may have a big briefcase full of mystical animals, but it doesn’t make you a real uni/Harry Potter film.

City University – Rita Skeeter

Journo hacks who’d throw anyone under the Knight Bus for a story.

Lincoln – Filch

Lincoln

Because the closest thing to being a squib in real life is going to the University of Lincoln.

Lancaster – Fawkes the phoenix

For a relatively newborn uni, you don’t half burn bright. Rising from the ashes of the shithole that is Lancaster, you’ve soared into the top 10 like a glorious flaming bird of knowledge.

UCLan – The ashes

Hey, we can’t all be Fawkes.

Hull – the Troll

Hull

HUUUULL! HULL IN THE DUNGEON!!!

Leicester – Vernon Dursley

Because getting a rejection letter from everywhere but Leicester has made you hate the post too.

DMU – Dudley Dursley

A smaller, rowdier, more annoying version of Leicester.

Reading – Dean Thomas

Reading

Who?

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