I’m an educated man and I only drink Lambrini on a night out

My friends laugh, off licence vendors give me the strangest looks and I have a kinship with middle-aged Northern women. This is not an easy life, but it is the life I have chosen. I am a Lambrini drinker.

And it is a life that is considerably better – and more fabulous – than any of your boring, beer-based existences. I am here as a proud, university educated, Lambrini drinking male, to stand up for our nation’s most underrated drink.

On more than once occasion in my life I have been told my Lambrini drinking is bringing shame to the social group, but I made my mind up long ago that the scorn of my friends is worth enduring, instead of moving to a drink that is guaranteed to be disappointing after tasting the nectar of the big L. It is also consistently crowned the cheapest drink in the wine category: a bottle at Tesco costs £1.50. While all the rest of you are winding down for the evening, running out of money after two artisan craft ales, I’m on my third bottle of the good stuff, having not yet broken a tenner.

It’s a life style

Not only does it taste exactly the same as every other wine, it is also the only drink that comes with a free copy of Heat magazine. And everyone knows if there’s anything better than getting fucked on pocket change, it’s getting fucked on pocket change while being up to date on what Kerry Katona is up to these days. Sure, people will probably assume I have no class, but does class have 7.5 per cent alcohol content? I didn’t think so. And while your whisky makes you look stylish and sophisticated, you have to live with the fact your drink tastes like blended tree bark and hand sanitiser.

If you’re still not feeling fabulous on Lambrini original, I have found strawberry flavour Lambrini is always a great way to treat yourself during a lad’s night in. I am sure everyone would be drinking this beautiful sparkling perry if shame weren’t such a convincing factor, and nothing can convince me otherwise. Fortunately, since I’m already on my second bottle, this isn’t a problem for me. So join me, my friend, and raise a glass to the best (and cheapest) drink of them all. And once we’re done, we’ll dance to Abba and Cyndi Lauper until the sun rises.