Life is really hard when you’re a lightweight

When watered-down vodkas sound like a blessing not a curse, you know you’re a lightweight.

People try to tell you they’re jealous that you barely spend a penny on a night out – but what they don’t realise is how many collective hours you’ve missed of all those nights because you’ve been sleeping in a booth in a corner of the club.

Sure, being able to get smashed for under a tenner is gift – but being a lightweight has some serious cons.

Casual drinks never end casually

No matter how well-planned and well-structured this “casual” sesh is, it will never end casually for you. If someone suggests a couple of drinks, you know straight away it won’t end with you going home sober at a reasonable time. You could literally be sipping on a strawberry and kiwi cider at lunch on a Tuesday afternoon, and a mere two hours later you’re on the phone to every single member of your contact list begging them to come meet you at the pub.

There’s no such thing as a casual drink because the level of drunk between tipsy and wasted does not exist for you. It’s simply one or the other – and the tipsy stage is a hard one to maintain.

Pre-drinking is a challenge

Early cocktails before a night out sounds incredibly pleasing for most people. For you, though, they’re a genuine challenge. You know that if you are to attend a pre-drinks, it will take some serious skillful drink nursing tactics.

For everyone else, an early start is an enjoyable way of getting the night underway – but all you can think about is how much you will have to pace yourself so you can at least make it to the club.

You usually miss the main part of the night

The morning after a night out, texts start darting through your phone from the group chat. Pointing out who left early, who fell at the bar, who was arguing with who – yet you have absolutely no contribution to make.

You have no knowledge of any of these events because you peaked at around midnight and spent 12:15 onwards snoozing in the booth or outside trying (and failing) to phone a taxi.

Good photos never happen

The only decent photos you ever manage to get are in your flat before you actually leave. When checking your phone the next day, you might come across a few Insta-worthy snaps taken early on – but anything past that stage is either a blank photo or a shameful and extremely blurry toilet selfie which can’t be shared with any other human being.

Buying drinks is a tough decision

Deciding what you’re going to buy to drink is a difficult procedure. It requires a lot of analytical negotiating and tactical decision-making so you don’t end up mixing too many drinks.

For your mates a bottle of wine, some cocktails, maybe a couple of shots if they’re felling cheeky. You, however, must consider what you’ll be drinking for the entire night. Mixing drinks is a big no no – therefore you’re forced to choose one type of beverage for the night and try your best to stick with it.

You don’t handle afterparties very well

An afterparty for you – if you actually make it to that stage – usually consists of your friends carting you there and taking turns to pet you while you lie half-asleep on a sofa. You’ve practically been on another planet since the start of the night, so unfortunately the afterparty is peak slumber territory.