Is there a single ‘essential Waitrose’ item that’s actually essential?

Ermmmm, not really


OK, so imagine there’s an apocalypse: Putin drops a couple of megatons on London or a zombie horde rampages through your hometown or everyone’s Netflix stops working at the same time. Hysterical panic presages societal collapse. Everything is fucked and you need to get somewhere safe fast.

But before you do, you need some supplies, some essentials – the basics you’ll need to survive this crisis. You run into the nearest store – a Waitrose – and find yourself confronted by these:

Ahhhhh radishes, essential!

Ahhhhh radishes, essential!

And these:

It’s hard to think of anything more essential from the Ardennes region

Oh, and these:

Some crucial gnocchi

Some crucial gnocchi

Question: is there a single item in the Waitrose Essential range that’s actually essential?

I never leave home without tbh

I never leave home without it tbh

Hard as this is to take, you probably could survive without French camembert

Hard as this is to take, you probably could survive without French camembert

That's not even orange juice

That’s not even orange juice

Answer: no, nothing in the Waitrose Essential range is essential, and that’s almost certainly the point of the Waitrose Essential range. It’s one enormous, massive fuck off to everyone who shops at Tesco.

I can't pronounce flageolet and neither can you

I can’t pronounce flageolet and neither can you

As essential as oxygen

As essential as oxygen

I guess if you put some dressing on this it's basically cabbage

I guess if you put some dressing on this it’s basically cabbage

Are these REALLY more essential than custard creams?

Are these really more essential than custard creams?

WHAT IS ORZO? IS IT PASTA? DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

WHAT IS ORZO? IS IT PASTA? DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

Maybe the question we should be asking is: who is this stuff essential for? And I think I know the answer to this one, I really do. The answer is rich people. 

"Mum can we have tiramisu for pudding tonight?"

“Mum can we have tiramisu for pudding tonight?”

"No, you'll eat your coley and you'll enjoy it Sebastien."

“No, you’ll eat your coley and you’ll enjoy it, Sebastian.”

Would it still be essential if it wasn't hot?

Would it still be essential if it wasn’t hot?

It’s not even worth taking the piss out of is it? These are great ingredients and they’re reasonably priced. Essential though?

Probs not

Probs not