A rundown of the ugliest trainers ever created
What are those
Ten years ago, and trainers were about comfort and practicality. We had our Green Flash for PE and Skechers for playtime, and we’d choose whichever we could run faster in. Now, though, trainers are a way to signify that you know fashion. People will fork out thousands for them.
And to to be honest, some of them are absolute monsters.
Adidas BB1839 Yeezy 750 Boost
The thing is, I get it, I really do. Expressing that you are better than everyone else because you own something that no one else has. I understand that craving. It is a normal, almost healthy human faculty: like the desire to be right in an argument, or the need to eat a few times a day. But realistically, it’s more interesting, and less shit, if you express your superiority in a way that actually matters. You know, by being really talented at something.
Owning a pair of Adidas BB1839 Yeezy 750 Boosts does not count as being better than anyone. It means you lucked out. Or you paid fat wedges of dollar for them on eBay.
People really wore these. They really wore them with shredded baggy jeans, a Korn hoody, and a Bob Marley t-shirt. They really wore the elephantine D3, which was really, honestly the worst trainer of all time. A size five looked like a size ten, and you couldn’t run away from chavs wearing them because you’d trip and get robbed for your velcro Vans wallet.
Yeezy Boost 350 in Beige
You queued all night for these rags? Should have got the black ones.
You look like you’ve dipped your foot into an anime cartoon, and the rest of you is awkwardly hanging out of it, mired uncomfortably in reality. Huaraches are the cult trainer for those who think they are “pushing boundaries” (what boundaries? Where?), while in reality you have just spent 60 big ones to look like a knob.
The real crime here is not calling these the Jordan Drain Pipe. Or Jordan Head of a Robotic Dog . Horrified onlookers will think you’ve swapped shoes for aliens. Imagine turning up to a family dinner in these, and scaring your fragile grandmother to death by reminding her of the world we live in: a world where needy young men try so hard to fit in that they wear small, ugly submarines on their feet.
Adidas winged shoes
If DJ Pauly D made a Hercules remake starring Vin Diesel, Hermes would wear these and a tank top.
Nike Air Flight One
It looks like a couple of 13-year-olds got a pair of white shoes and toasted them over a fire because they were bored.
Nike Flyknit Chukka Fsb
Life is not your Duke of Edinburgh. Although, at least you can match with your dad.
Nike Air Jordans in this pattern
It looks like a mash-up of the plimsolls you had to wear when you forgot your shoes for PE, and the goo you got inside those squidgy alien eggs. No one asked for that combo to exist.
Nike Air MAG
Omg you like Back to the Future? That’s so cool, man. It also means you’re 30+ years old though, so it gives you absolutely no excuse to wear these ugly child boots. Unless you’ve broken your leg, of course.
The only thing you’re fending off with these weapons is anyone who might have considered shagging you.
It’s cool when the product description says “futuristic design” because you’re going to see something which can go one of two ways. The first, is that the thing you’re looking at really will represent the future, like The Weekend’s voice. The second, is that it doesn’t represent the future, and it joins all the other failed visions of the future that litter the past, like Soviet Russia. Nike Zoom Havens are the Soviet Russia of the sneaker world. They don’t look like the future. They look like shit.
Reebok Omni Lite Pump
Cartoon Halloween pumpkins! For your feet!
Nike Air Rift
At least socks and sandals know they’re ugly. There is no need for these shoes, unless your feet literally need to breathe for some medical reason. It literally looks like they ran out of fabric halfway through. They look like those shoes you wear in the sea when it’s rocky.
New Balance 577s in ‘tan’
What are you, in a fraternity? Are you in a fraternity? Are you? I’m asking you a question. Are you in a fraternity? Are you Steve Jobs? Hold on a second. Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers? No?
Well, in that case you have no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.
Nike CB 94
You are not Micheal Jackson, and this is not Thriller. Take them off.
Reebok Insta Pump Fury
Why such a long tongue? It looks like a giant sanitary pad, and no one wants that on their feet.
Native Apollo Moc
This looks like the paper you used to filter stuff through in Year 9 Science. “I am going to be a disaster when it rains,” you quip. No one is going to offer you a piggy-back when your feet literally start disintegrating.
Air Max 95
Five years ago, the only people wearing these were builders. Now, you literally cannot escape them. A pair of these clunky babies can set you back £125, but they look like something you’ve honestly just found in the metal cage near the back of a Home Counties charity shop.
This article was written collectively by Daisy Bernard, Will Lloyd, Bobby Palmer, Grace Vielma, Bella Eckert, Oli Dugmore, Tom Jenkin, Phoebe Luckhurst, Jack Cummings, Craig O’Callaghan, Cat Reid and Lizzie Thompson.