When you live with a couple, you’ll always have a favourite

You probably didn’t choose to live with a couple. In fact, the one thing no one ever tells you about living with a couple is that it just happens.

One day you’ll come home and realise your flatmate’s boyfriend has stayed over seven nights in a row, and now his washing is hung out to dry and he even has a shelf in the fridge. You didn’t sign up for this – you actively avoided it when you were flat hunting – but it’s crept up on you, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve involuntarily gained a flatmate, and now you’re mired in all the complications that come from living with a couple.

Hearing them have sex is really, really awkward

Hearing your loved-up flatmates shag is completely different to your single mate having a one night stand. Whereas before they were “official”, you would want all the goss about how good it was and any weird things which might have happened beforehand, pining for gory details about them as a couple is just a bit odd. And what are you supposed to do? Do you stay in your room? Do you put your headphones in? Do you let them know you can hear so they stop? It’s a modern form of torture.

You will ALWAYS have a favourite

You’ll want to take their side when they argue and you wish you could just get rid of the other one every now and again so you can spend time with your secret fave. Annoyingly, you have to sit on the fence and remain impartial to avoid more awkward house drama.

Listening to them argue is as good as any episode of Eastenders

*Texts other flatmate to get them into your room and listen*. Shh, shh, omg no. She did what?! Shit has he just stormed out? Oh wait he’s come back in. Can she stop crying so I can actually hear what they’re arguing about? Who’s Ben?! Is it too obvious if we congregate on the stairs to listen? The sound is too muffled through the walls. Oh no he didn’t, why has he dragged that back up? Shiiiiiiit.

You then have to pretend you heard absolutely nothing while they pretend everything is OK

Nope, nothing to see here. Let’s all watch TV and play happy families. You’re sitting on separate sofas, OK then. That’s fine. I’ll pretend I heard nothing about what happened last night and you just sit there and pretend you haven’t spent the past half an hour screaming at the top of your voices.

They’ll both pour their heart out to you when the other isn’t there

“No, you’re totally in the right here, Katie”; “John, she was bang out of order there”. If only you could turn round and tell them you couldn’t give a flying fuck if she was in a photo with some guy to get back at the fact he cancelled on her last minute. Urgh.

You’ll have a group chat with all your other flatmates to talk about them

It’s for emergencies only, like forewarning about said argument or urging everyone to join you in the lounge so you don’t have to hear them banging in the room next to you on your own. Occasionally you’ll confuse it with your other flat group chat and forget to invite them to dinner, or maybe you’ll get it really wrong and post something passive aggressive about them, which you then have to bullshit your way out of. They definitely know.

Avoid the lounge if they’re already watching something in there

Unless you want to watch them snuggle on the bigger sofa and wonder what the fuck is going on when one of them giggles suspiciously. They’ve definitely banged on the sofa. You should probably wash that blanket they always use at some point.

Nothing is as unfair as them splitting rent and bills 50/50

WHY IS MY DEPRESSING SINGLE LIFE SO MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE? WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR BEING UNLOVED?

Seriously though, can we not just split the rent five ways instead of you just getting to halve yours. Thanks.

You’re never quite sure if it’s weird to walk around in a towel and hang your knickers on the radiator

Will she think I’m trying to hit on him? Are we OK to hug? Should I really be having a conversation without one of them there?

Instantly thinking they’ve split up if they do something separately

They’re a couple, they’re living together with other people, they clearly don’t have any friends, so why is Alex going on a night out and Jenny isn’t? Does this mean they’re splitting up? Should I be worried? I swear they were supposed to be having their date night tonight. I wonder what’s happened. Is one of them going to be sleeping on the sofa? Oh god, I’m going to have to put up with both of them crying AT me whereas all I really give a shit about is how the fuck I’m going to fill that room if they split and move out. Or worse, if they split and don’t move out. I’m just going to hide in my room so I don’t have to deal with this shit.

You can’t get arsey with one without getting arsey with the other

They will always stick together. Always. If only your secret fave knew they were your fave, maybe they’d have your back. Maybe not.

They cook really nice meals together

Because they split everything down the middle, so they can afford lamb shanks and fresh veg and wine. It’s fine though, I’m not bored of chicken nuggets. Oh, you have cheesecake too. That’s a nice treat for a Tuesday. Awww, one of you cooks and the other does the dishes. That’s sweet.

You’ll never be able to justify that fuckboy’s behaviour to them

Yes it is really lovely that Craig texted you to see if you got home OK after your first date but the thing is, Karen, that we didn’t go on a date, we only shagged after a mad one at Infernos and to be honest, I can’t really remember it and I don’t want to go on a date with him but that’s not the point. The point is, he took my number and hasn’t texted me back. I know I deserve better, but have you been out recently? Oh that’s right, you don’t go out any more because clubbing is only for people who are trying to pull and since you’re not on the pull and suddenly decide you hate all that, you have no idea what I’m going through right now. You know what? It’s fine.