Some jobs Justin Bieber could do instead of greeting his own fans

Meeting the public made him ‘depressed’

News from inside the painfully bizarre and endlessly fascinating human zoo that is Justin Bieber’s life. He no longer wants to do fan meet and greets because they leave him mentally and physically exhausted to the point of depression. Jeheeze.

The meet and greet life isn’t for Justin (is it for anyone really?) and in an Instagram post supercharged with frailty he explained why. Honestly, if your body isn’t wracked with convulsions of pure sadness and pity after reading this then you probably don’t have a soul:

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Let’s take a minute to be fair to Justin though. Imagine being him, imagine being in his expensive, tasteful sneakers for a second. Put yourself in his position: you’re a 22-year-old multi-millionaire with a superb lid and the tenderest voice in contemporary pop music. Kanye West said you released the song of 2015. Most of the world agreed with him. You survived the big dramas of growing up, and you did it all while being hounded across the Earth by relentless paparazzos. You made it.

And now you can do anything with anyone you want, you can go anywhere and buy virtually anything, you could tweet a word or any arrangement of words, taken at random, and they would be retweeted 50,000 times in 50 seconds. Like, if you were Justin, you could tweet the word “faculty” or something and there’d be Mongolian Yak farmers who’d see it.

And when you put it that way, it’s not hard to understand why Justin finds it so hard to meet a few dozen fans in the hours before his sell-out stadium shows. That is tough. 

So I did some thinking, and I looked at the history books, and I found some jobs that it would be easier for Justin to do, because right now, he is pretty much carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Jobs like:

Groom of the Stool

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One of the highest honours the Tudor court could bestow was being the bloke who wiped Henry VIII’s arse. Now bear in mind that Henry VIII was so fat by the time he died that his coffin literally exploded because it couldn’t hold all the vile gas that was leaking out of his body. There’s no way that wiping the arse of England’s most grotesque monarch could be as hard as meeting ten hyperactive girls who’ve paid $2000 to meet you before a concert. At least that’s what I’d argue, Justin.

Leech collecting

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Right, I’ve found a job that is so much less physically and mentally exhausting than your average meet and greet. This is the one. I reckon Justin could do it. Until the 19th century, leeches were a crucial part of Western medicine. A leech collector could gather barrels of the disgusting little fuckers by walking around bare legged in leech-infested marshes. Traditionally a female job, those who did it often suffered dangerous blood-loss and infections. Would make a relaxing change from the travails of your Purpose tour though wouldn’t it Justin? Better pull the legs of those distressed jeans up, mate.

Food taster

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You read food taster and then saw the picture of Hitler and were dismayed because this obviously isn’t going to be as chill as the words “food taster” seem to suggest. Anyway, for as long as we’ve had kings and dictators being vile dicks to everyone, they’ve quite understandably been paranoid about people poisoning them for being such dicks. Those who had to taste test for tyrants lived in constant fear for their lives – none more so than the 15 women employed by Adolf Hitler. Living in his bunker, they wept after every meal because “we were so glad to have survived”.

Still, it can’t be worse than a meet and greet can it, Beebs?