What the fuck is the point of 1p coins?

No more games. I’m not interested anymore. I don’t care anymore.

There’s only one issue out there right now that’s actually important, an issue that affects all of our lives, an issue that we’ve ignored for far too long. An issue will require time, dedication and struggle to deal with. This is serious. Trump is small change compared to this issue, which can be summed up thus:

What the fuck is the point of 1p coins?

Seriously though. What is their ultimate object or aim? What is the justification for their existence? When was the last time you bought something with one? When was the last time you could  buy anything with one?

Because guys, I have thought about this, I have done the hard thinking about 1p coins. I have looked out of the window on long train journeys and frowned at my reflection, mind racing and whirring, thinking so hard that it’s audible to the poor, poor person who has to endure sitting next to me and I have done my thinking.

And I still don’t know what the fuck the point of 1p coins is.

Most things have a discernible, user-friendly purpose. When you look at a pair of sunglasses, or a mug, or a book, or a glass table, or a Lindt bunny, all is clear. When you look at a 1p coin you’re actually looking at something that no longer makes any sense at all.

It’s because they make no sense that you treat them so badly. Would you throw away a Lindt bunny? No you fucking wouldn’t because you know you’re going to eat it. When you use a self-service checkout and you need 8p of change and it gives it to you entirely in pennies (a daily occurrence for me) you don’t put them in your wallet because you don’t want them and their dead weight in there.

I’d rather throw 1p coins away than give them to a homeless person. No, it’s not a great attitude but then writers have to occasionally assume that some particular behaviour of theirs is universal and I’m pretty sure not giving shite change to homeless people is something we all do. Because frankly, we’re too embarrassed to hand it over. It would be an insult to them and distressing for us.

The one possible end 1p coins could have, and I shudder to use this word, is for banter purposes. And obviously, when I say banter, I mean dickheads could get rid of their 1p coins by paying for something that costs a lot of money exclusively with 1p coins. They could pay for an Audi with 1p coins, bringing in the cash crate by crate. In fact, it could be banter on a much smaller scale. They could buy a can of deodorant and pay for it entirely with 1p coins, placing each penny on the counter with careful, mocking deliberation.

We’ve settled it then, haven’t we? Pennies exist for dickheads in the same way that cards exist for magicians to do their cringey tricks. Everything is fine. Except it’s not. Because you can’t actually pay for anything with 1p coins – which is ironic because you never do pay for anything with them anyway – the Coinage Act of 1971 (yeah, I did my research) states that 1p coins are only legal tender if you’re paying for something costing 20p or less. Once you pay with 21 or more 1p pieces you contravene the Act.

I’ll ask it again: what the fuck is the point of 1p coins then? 

New Zealand got rid of their pennies back in 1990, back when you hadn’t been born and Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister. Since then they’ve filmed the Lord of The Rings trilogy and won the Rugby World Cup something like 17 times. All we’ve done is look with disgust at our useless coins, as we shove them away in a draw or a jar.