The Irn Bru price hike will ruin my life

George Osborne has introduced a new tax on sugary drinks.

This is great news for anyone’s health, kind of, and is an excellent move in the right direction to fight Scotland’s childhood obesity issues, probably. However, stoking up the price up of my national drink will not stop me consuming as much. It will just force me into a world in which I consume basic baked beans on toast, all day every day, in order to pay for the (really) sweet nectar.

I am not a child, and I am not obese, I am just madly in love wi Irn Bru, like the majority of my fellow Scots.

The hearts of Irn Bru fans have been shredded over the past few years. First, Irn Bru bars vanished from the shelves of all my corner shops. As did Irn Bru Wham bars – the ultimate in Scottish sweeties. It was ginger; the smell gave you goosebumps; your whole body tingled when you sunk your teeth in.

I’m perfectly aware that consuming so much sugar is damaging to most aspects of my health, but the heart wants what the heart wants. At nineteen, I’m at that beautiful stage where I’m allowed to make my own stupid decisions (especially when it comes to the disgusting amount of food and drink I consume) and tell myself I’ll get my shit together when I hit my mid-twenties.

And there’s really nothing like the feeling of those teeny tiny fizzy fireworks shooting right through your enamel after taking a swig o’ Bru from a freshly opened tinnie. Irn Bru has magical healing properties that work on body and soul.

Grim hangover? Irn Bru. Period pains making you want to scoop out your womb? Irn Bru. Lost all hope? If the sound of someone cracking open a new tin of Irn Bru isn’t enough to fill you will hope and happiness, then I’m really not sure what in this world is.

Irn Bru will become approximately 8p more expensive per can, 12p more for a small bottle and 40p more for 1.75 litre bottles. I’m struggling to afford to pay 5p more for my bloody plastic bag, never mind 8p on top of that to take me chippy n me tinny hame safely.

But, maybe that’s a good thing. It’s starting to become a real struggle entering my bedroom.