The stupidest arguments couples have

Put that toilet seat down

8 years ago

Couples exist in a curious equilibrium. Occasionally, they have big fights – those scary ones where blood roars in the ears, where things tailspin and get out of control – but most of the time they just have run-of-the mill, quotidian arguments about nothing essential at all.

These are some of the most common ones.

The duvet argument

It’s late, you’ve just got in. Bed beckons. You get in, relax, wrap yourself in the duvet – and it gets stolen by the other one. You tussle back and forth, hissing and whispering furiously. And neither will give in, especially on cold nights. It’s like you’re both children again – tugging at the duvet, leaving your partner in the cold. It’s a dumb argument, and yet it happens in every relationship. If it doesn’t then are you really in a relationship?

Indeed, this week yielded an extreme and unpleasant public example of this argument. A man who assaulted his girlfriend after she was allegedly hogging the duvet was given just a fine by a magistrate. The magistrate conceded that many couples have the same argument – though mercifully few of them end in (real) violence.

The main course

Wherever you live, and regardless of long you’ve been together, it’s always difficult to decide what and where to eat. Get dressed up and go out? Order in? Cook dinner? Wine or water? It’s always a mediocre dispute, yet in the moment, the stakes feel pretty high.

Who pays?

Obviously, women want to pay their share: we’re independent and pursue equality. On the other hand, men feel a pressure to subscribe to a more outdated version of masculinity. To avoid seeming cheap, they will insist on paying, and if he really cares, he’s going to insist on paying every time you go out to dinner or order in. Periodically, joking about this will turn into a weird, strangely emotional fight and someone will get really, really annoyed.

Deciding where to sleep

It’s best to decide in the morning and stick to the decision – head there as soon as you can. In the evening, you’ll be lazy, and once you’ve sat down at your house, leaving is unappealing.

Turning off the light switch

You resort to childish excuses like “you’re closer” or “I did it last night, it’s your turn” and the classic “I’m already asleep”.

Occupying the shower for a long time

Sure, women usually take longer to shower, but does that mean they should go first or second? Women have longer hair, and have to shave, and wash with their many different products. Let us shower first, and we won’t be grouchy or yell at you. Easy.

Bathroom etiquette

Clogging the drain hole with hair after showering; leaving the toilet seat up, which is, unfortunately, not (just) a cliche. By the way, it’s common courtesy to put the toilet seat down after using it – it’s gross to have to touch it. And girls don’t fancy falling in the toilet.

Other arguments and disagreements include wet towels on the floor, leaving empty product bottles in the shower, discarding hair grips and hair bobbles everywhere, blobs of toothpaste in the sink, leaving the lid off the mouthwash…

Can you smile please?

Couple selfies are expected. Posting them on social media to flaunt your love is mandatory. Smiling in photos signifies the happiness you both share – both in that moment and in the relationship. Failing to smile will result in a full-blown argument.

Taking time to get ready

“Babe, if we don’t leave now then we’ll miss the film.”

Mates wanting to see you, alone

When you start a relationship, you become a package – especially during that lovely “honeymoon” phase. To some extent your mates understand this. But there comes a point when people want to see you alone. And depending on the stage of the relationship, your other half might take issue with that.

Do you have to go? Where are you going anyway? Why can’t I come? Who’s going to be there? Don’t they like me? I thought I made a good impression. Fine. Just go. Enjoy. I’m fine. Bye.

Texting: It doesn’t have to happen 24/7

Texting your boyfriend constant updates gets pretty dull, pretty quickly, because you run out of things to say. And that’s OK – notable things do not happen every 30 seconds. It doesn’t mean you should break up.