Things you shouldn’t be doing on social media now you’re in your twenties

A lesson in social media etiquette for twenty-somethings

The average person has five social media accounts and spends over an hour and a half of each day using them. But to each, our own.

For example, I spend hours scrolling through Instagram and Twitter, but veer away from Snapchat, because well, I am not a teenage girl.

I am not a totalitarian about social media, but I suggest certain rules we must all abide by.

Do not use more than two hashtags

Whether it is on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram there is no need to append sixteen hashtags (#mondaynightafterworkdrinks, #toodrunktotpye #bae). You’re not a sixteen year old wannabe blogger, you’re in your twenties for crying out loud. Just stop it.

Inviting your friends to play Candy Crush or Farmville 

This is a cry for help, and like the invite itself will most likely be ignored. There are fewer depressing things than knowing your mate is playing Farmville on his own on a Friday night. Tell him to call the Samaritans instead.

Using LinkedIn for anything other than finding a new career 

This means your photo has to be sensible; I’m not saying new passport photo guidelines, but it goes without saying clothes on, and relatively sober helps to impress. You should not be using this service to try and get women. Do you think that by endorsing someone for their skills on Powerpoint they will suddenly want to fuck you? If so, then your chances of getting laid are about as good as your chances of getting a job. Good luck to you.

Posting a status about how off your face you were the night before

You’re not impressing anyone, least of all your work colleagues who you’re friends with on Facebook. Seriously, nobody is impressed with your wannabe Charlie Sheen antics.

Posting any political statuses – keep them to yourself 

Unless you work in politics, (in which case, why are you my friend?) do not post statuses about voting, cuts or the NHS and how the Tories are selling it to their chums at their gentlemen’s club. Go join your local political party or volunteer or something. Anything but post shit on facebook, literally nobody cares.

Adding hot women you met once at a party, it’s creepy and weird. You’re not seventeen anymore

As if this needs explaining, but it does. If you’re single in your twenties, you should make a good enough impression that someone wants to see you again, not see a friend request from you at 4am when you get home drunk.

Venting your relationship meltdown for everyone to see

That old saying about hanging dirty laundry out in public was made for this. It’s a one way ticket to get defriended. Yes, she might have slept with your brother on your anniversary and taken your house, but posting a 400 word rant about it won’t help (even if you think so after a third Rioja). Admittedly, these people help inadvertently, as when I’m on the tube at 7am thinking of sort of giving up, knowing your life is a lot more shit than mine cheers me up a little.

Posting several albums of your newborn baby

Babies kind of freak most men out. They all look pretty much the same and its hard to decipher whether a boy or girl most of the time. We’re pleased for you, but don’t need hourly updates of their first time they were sick on the sofa. This also goes with posting baby statuses such as ‘baby boo has just done her first crawl’. Unsubscribe.

Poking. Anybody. Ever. 

Nobody knows why this was ever a function on Facebook. Perhaps Zuckerberg lost a bet and had to put it on the website? Either way don’t use it. It’s irritating at best and really creepy at worst.

“Fraping” someone else 

Whilst this was sort of funny at university and during your first office job (oh wait, no), it’s time to put this to bed. If you’re at a dinner party with friends and you notice that their Facebook is logged in and consider changing their status, then you need a babysitter.

Tweeting abuse to anyone except your best friends.  

Not only will the liberal police have you hung drawn and quartered for tweeting something mean, but its just not funny. It doesn’t matter that Van Persie’s penalty miss cost you £80 down the bookies, doesn’t give you an excuse to call him a “w****r”.