The emojis we really need to hold a conversation in 2016
You mean there isn’t a Donald Trump one already?
Emojis have become something of a second language – and, like a second language, sometimes you just can’t find the right word for what you want to say.
How can you express the feeling when you screenshot someone’s moronic contribution to the general internet, or the euphoria when you drop your phone and it doesn’t smash?
This is a handy guide to the new emojis you didn’t even know you needed.
The Prince George
Everyone’s favourite royal baby is the sassiest guy in town, so an emoji version would be the perfect way to express your IDGAF attitude. Someone making fun of your dungaree shorts? Send one of these back to them and let them know their opinion is worthless.
The Leo with an Oscar
The Leo with an Oscar emoji is perfect in any situation where you’ve been waiting long enough for your reward. Perhaps it is finally getting a coffee after an especially long queue, perhaps it is the triumphant stroll out of the office on a Friday night after a particularly long week. Whatever it is, this is your moment – and it’s been a long time coming.
The Espresso Martini
It needs an emoji before everyone starts drinking it. Use sparingly, and only when you’ve discovered something before everyone else: a seat on the bus, for example, or a new pulled-pork pop-up in Borough Market.
The rainbow bagel
To turn the espresso martini concept on its head, the rainbow bagel emoji is only for use when something has become so horribly mainstream it hurts. Did Lucy just say “Netflix & Chill”? Rainbow bagel. Has Joe seriously only just started watching House of Cards? Rainbow bagel. You get the picture.
The internet idiot reaction
The internet is a minefield of absolute morons, so an emoji tearing its tiny iPhone asunder in pure rage is sure to come in handy. Use for twee couples photos on Instagram, vaguely racist Facebook statuses, people who tweet celebrities for shoutouts on their birthday and anything Katie Hopkins says.
The accidental thumbs up reaction
You are having a terse or flirty Facebook conversation. Then you send the big thumbs-up. Sod’s law suggests the thumb will be sent to someone you don’t know well enough to find it funny, so use this to break the tension of the first symbol.
The flat white
It’s like a normal coffee, but somehow makes you feel like a better person when you order it. Capitalise on this fact by commenting strings of tiny flat whites under articles you find interesting or thought-provoking. Caption with a sincere “Important”.
People have been clamouring for a pug emoji for ages, but what’s the point? The dachshund is the dog of 2016, and more deserving of an own emoji. Use it under cute dog videos and listicles: let the world know you’re entertained.
The Donald Trump
Use this when one of your friends says something really, really fucking stupid.
The Bernie Sanders
Use this one, on the other hand, when you just want to give your friend a big hug. Because who wouldn’t want to hug Bernie?
There’s an emoji for feeling sad, feeling sick, feeling angry and feeling really, really tired. There isn’t one, however, for The Fear you feel at 6am on a Saturday after a particularly big night. Which is a combination of all of the above.
The cracked iPhone
The ultimate misfortune, the cracked iPhone can be used to represent anything which hasn’t gone your way. Whether it be a speeding ticket, a disastrous attempt at a Bumble hook-up, or crashing and burning with some babe in your office, there’s something that connects them all: it was probably your own fault.
Literally any woman in any job
There is not one single emoji of a woman in the workplace, which seems a bit backwards with it being the 21st century and all. Let’s have some of those, and make the man wear a wedding dress or paint his nails in the meantime.
The unripe and overly ripe avocado
The avocado is a tricky beast, and in its blink-and-you’ll-miss-it ripeness you can sum up many a missed opportunity. Someone you intended to ask out but who is now dating a banker, for example, or a big night out you kept meaning to buy a ticket for – whatever it is, timing isn’t exactly your strong point.
You’ve just said or done something which makes you look like a prize tosser, but fret not, for the Boris is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card. Because how could there be any sort of insidious intent behind that floppy blonde fringe and jovial guffaw?
This one’s for the guy in your group who had Tidal before Kanye’s new album, the bloke who tells you Mile End is the next big thing and that he moved out of Dalston because it just “doesn’t have a vibe anymore”. He was proud to have found out about the dab before you and, though he won’t admit it, every time you send him this emoji it kills him a little inside.
You innocently click on a friend-of-a-friend’s Snapchat story, and find yourself trapped in a 120-second documentary about their day in the office, what they had for lunch, what they ordered at the pub afterwards and what they saw on their commute home. By the time it’s over (or you’ve had to quit the app to make it stop), this is necessary.
The one for the guy who never talks in the squad chat
You’ve been bouncing messages off each other in your group for so long that you’d more or less forgotten that Adam was there. Then, out of the blue, someone asks that fateful question: Adam, why do you never say anything? Everyone else was thinking it, yet still he says nothing. He’ll just keep watching, as the rest of you send a barrage of these bad boys.
This is just to let everyone know you vape, because you probably never talk about it if you do.
The sad desk lunch
Everyone else has got tasty-looking Pret mac ‘n’ cheese or delicious Itsu sashimi combos, yet you’ve opted for an overpriced and underwhelming wilted salad from the Tesco Metro reduced section. Send one of these to your friends and hope they’ll stop you making the same mistake again.
The ‘I’m broke’
This is the go-to reaction every time someone wants to make plans. Jamie xx at Alexandra Palace? I’m broke. The Revenant in IMAX on Wednesday? I’m broke. Brunch at Ozone on Sunday? I’m – what aren’t you understanding?
The ‘Why aren’t you replying?’
Erm, I sent that message four hours ago – yet you haven’t replied. Don’t you know I can see when you’ve read my message? Hello?
The ‘You up?’
The 4am “You up?” text on a Friday night is transparent – so you may as well simplify it further by eliminating the need to actually talk. Send this at your booty call and await a reply.
The tears of death
A one-purpose emoji, this is to be used every time someone uses the “tears of joy” face to remind them it’s annoying, overused and very much dead. Yes, you will find yourself using this a lot.
The man on fire
This can be deployed in two group chat scenarios. If your friend is getting roasted, use this to mock them. If your friend says something which is pure fire, use this to support them. Either way, save it for only the most lit of situations.
The reaction for everything
You could sum up 99 per cent of our WhatsApp conversations with this guy right here.