Things you’ll only understand if your sister is sassier than you

Is there a sex appeal gene I missed?

Growing up with a sister is a constant battle of who can do it first – and better. It doesn’t matter the subject; maybe it’s your year six SATs, maybe it’s how many minors you got on your driving test, maybe it’s who lost their virginity first.

As time goes by you learn to let certain things go – like all those times you got bollocked while she got off scot-free for the exact same thing – but when your sister is sassier than you, there are some things she’ll always, always, get away with.

She’ll raid your wardrobe mercilessly 

Don’t expect to pop out for an hour and come back to a wardrobe still containing all the clothes you own. That £40 Topshop dress you’ve been saving for a special occasion? “Oh sorry, I just saw it hanging up and thought it would go really well with my shoes.” Your go-to saucy V-neck body which you swear you put in the wash a couple of weeks ago but has since disappeared? Oh wait, the exact same body thrown over the back of her bed? Yeah, you’re never getting those back.

And she’ll look a million times fitter

There’ll be a tear shed for every Facebook like she gets.

All the sass

All the sass

The spotlight is always on her on a night out

She’s undoubtedly your favourite partner in crime, and there’s no one you’d rather get absolutely mortal with. But you’ve been here two hours, she’s been chatted up about five times and while she always politely declines (hoes before bros and all that), there’s only so long you can fake a smile while entertaining his really boring mate.

She can handle her drink, and you definitely can’t

Three bottles of wine in and you’re holding your head in your hands, trying desperately not to throw up in your mouth. You look up, and there she is: contents of her clutch not all over the floor (where the fuck is my lipstick?), make-up still on – not dribbling down – her face (why am I so sweaty I danced for five minutes?) and looking sassy. But at least you know she’ll be there holding your hair back when you’re chucking up in the toilet and crying to her about how amazing she is.

Please don't tag me on Facebook

Please don’t tag me on Facebook

She can actually make a slut drop look sexy

She’s the only person in the whole entire WORLD who manages to snake all the way down, maintain eye contact, slightly spread her legs, bounce up and down a little before snaking back up and look like fucking Beyonce. She’s having so much fun you decide to join in the next one with her, but just end up getting to the floor, not being able to get back up and accidentally look like you’re taking a shit. It’s OK though, she’ll see your struggle and offer you a hand before whisking you off to the bar. Thanks sis.

God help the guy who creeps on her

You’ll awkwardly ignore the lech who’s just grabbed your bum at the bar. You might even turn around, grab his hand and tell him to “fuck off, you creep”. That is not the behaviour of a sass queen. Oh no, you watch in awe as she gracefully turns around, smiling, looks him in the eye and says, straight up: “You can let go of my arse thank you very much.” Wow. Respect that. Can you teach me how to do that, genuinely, please? For my birthday?

You’re always telling her how fit she is

I'll just be chilling here, in the background

I’ll just be chilling here, in the background

Why do you have so much sex appeal? How come I look like a munchkin next to you? Why do your pouts look ironic in a sexy way while mine look like I’m trying too hard? How do you never break a sweat? Like ever? Did you sneak in some make-up lessons to learn how to look so flawless? Jesus, have you been squatting? Your eyes are really pretty. And your smile. What highlighter do you use? Are those cheekbones real? Are we even related? I’m not so sure.

Your friends prefer her

“Oh my god your sister is so cool! She’s just so sexy, and the way she pied that guy off, but not aggressively at all, like, how does she do it? She’s so fun too, you should bring her out more often! OMG when she told that story about you in school I couldn’t stop laughing. Is she really younger than you? She seems like she should be older, she’s just so mature and together. Total babe.”

All your guy friends fancy her

No, she doesn’t have a boyfriend. No you can’t meet her. No, you definitely cannot shag her under any circumstances. Please don’t invite her to your party. Did you just add her on Facebook? Why are you liking photos of us?!?!

You reluctantly end up asking her opinion on important life decisions – even though you’re older

They’ve got their life on track. They make sensible decisions. They know that staying out until 3am when you have a meeting the next day is a bad idea. They know drunk dialling your ex is also a bad idea. They know spending £70 on a pair of shoes at the end of the month to cheer yourself up for being so poor will definitely mean you can’t afford to eat next week. They know you can’t hope to lose weight while stuffing yourself with chocolate and pizza on a Monday and counting the walk to the shop as exercise. You know they’ll always give you good advice, which is why you value their opinion (but then ignore said advice anyway, because you don’t have your shit together).

Love you x

Love you x

She never gets embarrassed

She could come skidding out of the club toilets with loo roll stuck to her shoe, then absolutely stack it and rip her skirt on the way and she’d just get up, laugh, wink at the barman and carry on like nothing has happened. You, on the other hand, turn into a beetroot if some guy you vaguely fancied in year nine is 100 metres away from you and briefly looks in your direction.

You’ll never quite understand how she has more Instagram followers and 100 likes on each post minimum

It’s OK though, because I put a picture of my cat on Instagram yesterday and it got three likes. I’M FINE.

But no matter how sassy she is, she’s always got your back

Sisters fo lyf.