Eton is officially the best public school in the country

Harrow and Wellington are runners up


Boris and David Cameron went there. They turned out alright depending on who you ask. Now it’s official, Eton is officially the best public school in the country, running away with 21 per cent of the vote in our poll. Forget Tatler, this is the only school guide that matters – and it seems even those who went to the “minor public schools” rolled over and conceded Eton was the best.

Eton is not just the oldest school, the only one cool enough to have their own cryptic gang symbol and their own dubstep society – its also the greatest in the land. Harrow and Wellington were runners-up. Here’s the full results:

  1. Eton – 21 per cent
  2. Harrow – 15 per cent
  3. Wellington – 10 per cent
  4. Radley – 9 per cent
  5. Marlborough – 8 per cent
  6. Rugby – 8 per cent
  7. Shrewsbury – 7 per cent
  8. Charterhouse – 7 per cent
  9. City of London – 6 per cent
  10. Winchester – 4 per cent
  11. Westminster – 4 per cent
Old Etonians even have their own gang sign

Old Etonians even have their own gang sign

“£30,000 well spent I’d say,” responded a 24-year-old Eton old boy. “My dearest commiserations to Harrow, but it’s good for them to learn early how to finish in second place.”

“There is simply no comparison between Eton and Harrow. And to all Harrovians, we have 19 Prime Ministers”, said former Etonian Oscar Dealtry, who is currently on a gap year. Arguing the case for Eton being the greatest public school in the land, he said: “In a whole host of ways, Eton is unique. It is, for example, the only four letter word that receives an enthusiastic welcome from people with tight arses and large inheritances as well as an enthusiastic bottling from people with loose tracksuits and small brains.”

He continued: “Its students also display the odd desire to conceal their Etonian identities in all facets of their daily lives. We see this in conversation, with the incorporation of the word “G” into conversational situations when “old bean” would be the far more natural fit. This, of course, stands alongside other cringeworthy favourites such as “bless”, “donny”, and “bumbaclart”.

“This phenomenon can also be observed in Etonian fashion with the replacement of a tailcoat with a purple camouflage Bape x Stussy hoody 6 sizes too big at the end of a long day of Greek suffixes and the poetry of John Donne”, Oscar added. “It cost 800 pounds, but hey, American Express. Also, 19 prime ministers.”