I tried Kim Kardashian’s gaffer tape cleavage trick

Having boobs is hard.

And getting perky boobs  is harder. A low-cut neckline flatters – but only if the wearer has the gravity-defying tatas of a 14-year-old girl, and can go free-range. For those with adult breasts, going free-range is occasionally permissible if your top or dress is tight enough to provide a little support on its own, but it rarely is. If the outfit is low ‘n’ loose you haven’t got a chance. If they’re too big, have started to sag, or are just low set, a bra is essential.

There are tactics. You could find a bra that’s a similar colour to your dress, and just pretend you want it to be sticking out all night; you could stick on those weird flesh-coloured plastic cups that end up halfway down your dress before you’ve even finished. You could rock an underwired-bra; the underwiring won’t necessarily force your boobs out of your dress as you climb into a taxi.

Or you could subscribe to the regime of the queen of cleavage, Kim Kardashian West, who revealed her boobalicious secret on her app last week. Apparently, the trick is to take a roll of gaffer tape and apply it liberally around your entire outer boob area, hoisting them up towards your shoulders, then securing the tape around the back of your neck. This will lift them up to A-list heights, and leave you to pick your wardrobe with abandon. I was intrigued.

The first stationery shop I tried didn’t stock gaffer tape; duct tape would have to do. I headed home and tried on a couple of outfits – one I never wear because my boobs look like hanging baskets in it, and one that holds them in pretty well on its own. Snapping a few pictures, I stripped off and readied myself for the official taping.

I sat at my desk and cut off around eight strips of tape, about the length of my forearm, and began laying them on. One end went on my underboob, and ran round the back of my neck, raising my boob with it. At first, the tape moulded them both into pretty weird sausage-boobs: high but all about the width. But once a few more strips had been applied to each boob, they started to take shape. My cleavage looked like it had never looked before: high, round and a little fake.

It was difficult to get dressed: the tape restricted my movements quite a lot, and my arms kept getting stuck. Once I had it on, I realised I had applied the tape in totally the wrong place, and it looked like I had a weird silver collar sticking out from under my neckline. That said, my boobs looked pretty good – certainly better than they ever had in that dress before.

I yanked the tape to the side and tried on the other outfit, and was a little shocked. Without a bra, this bodysuit is perfect. My boobs look perky-ish but natural, and just the right size. With the tape, they had morphed into gigantic plastic-looking beasts, trying to escape from my outfit.

Enough was enough. I wanted to remove the tape. Easy, right? Wrong. The tape had stuck not only to every single one of the baby hairs on my neck (if you ever want an undercut for free, try this) but also my nips. It seemed to peel away from the rest of my skin quite easily, but my nips were firmly attached and screeching in pain. I didn’t dare tear it all off in one quick motion for fear of giving myself a nipple-ectomy. It took 15 minutes of pulling and trying not to cry before my nips were free. I applied Vaseline like I was about to run a marathon.

I can see why Kim K does this – it looked good. If you’re going for a super-glam, overtly sexy vibe, and you want your boobs to look like two bald men are hiding down your top, then this is the trick for you. I have no doubt that the tape would have held up during a heavy night of dancing.

However, I won’t be trying this again. I like showing off my assets, but I prefer to look a little more natural, and either just wear a normal bra or let the gals run free. And the potential removal of my nipples simply isn’t worth it.