Coldplay just gave everyone a reason to leave Glastonbury early this year

They’re headlining the Sunday evening – and you’ll be leaving early

Remember when Kanye West was going to headline Glasto and a man called Neil Lonsdale, from Norfolk (obviously) made a Change dot org petition to ban him? Remember that? Remember how stupid that all was, remember how stupid the 130,000 people who signed that petition must have been?

Well now we need a new Neil Lonsdale. We need a Neil Lonsdale who’s actually right. Because Coldplay are coming. They put this on Facebook this morning:

God help us all

God help us all

Do you feel that? The fear? The fear of watching Chris Martin hopping around in a tie-dyed long sleeve shirt with a tie-dyed short sleeve shirt over the top, weakly singing about everything being yellow or whatever. Your fear is real. If you’ve paid good money for Glasto this year you’ll want to avoid the Pyramid stage on Sunday evening.

Over 130,000 people signed that petition telling Kanye – a legit mover, a don, a creator – not to show up at Glastonbury. It says a lot about us that most people won’t even blink at the thought of Coldplay closing music’s greatest festival. It also says a lot about Coldplay: nobody is going to bitch about them, because they don’t make anybody really think at all.

What they provoke is something vague and wordless, something like boredom.