The undiscovered genius of tapered tracksuit trousers

It’s like your legs are the wafer in a Kit Kat


The dilemma of what to wear is crippling for boys. What makes the indecision worse is the fact if you moan about it, you start telling yourself to man up, and it all becomes a spiralling descent into a masculinity crisis.

This isn’t a problem when you watch your favourite football players warm up, they ooze cool and style – something you as you dither in your wardrobe between comfort and class will never achieve.

That is unless you haven’t tried to model yourself on Olivier Giroud and bought a pair of tapered tracksuit trousers.

Couldn't do that in jeans

Couldn’t do that in jeans

Now I’m not saying that sports brands have given all men the ability to be confident again in everything they do, but they’ve come really really close. These things are genius, for a number of reasons.

They’re beyond comfortable. Girls would arguably spend most of their time in gym leggings because they’re the most pleasant thing to wear. Tapered tracksuits are the Y chromosome’s equivalent. They’re so soft it’s like your legs are the wafer inside a Kit Kat. Feeling this free would normally be illegal. Besides comfort, you can roam around, and no one can really tell you’re not just in skinny trousers.

In jeans you never even thought about your calves. Now look at them, well shaped and muscular. You’re basically a professional sportsman. Like the time you went into Tony and Guy, came out with a mullet and worried that everyone was looking at you, now everyone’s looking at you because you actually do leg day.

All figured out

All figured out

No longer will you worry about bumping into someone you know in Sainsbury’s while wearing pyjamas. No longer will you ride your bike and get your baggy tracksuit trouser leg caught in the chain, forcing you to do your best impersonation of Run DMC and tuck your trouser into your sock. No longer will you have to go to your other half’s house in jeans and struggle to get them off when things get a bit heated. Now you can combine style, comfort and convenience.

People who wear them have it all figured out. They know where they’re going in life and they’re comfortable. They have girlfriends more attractive than them, good jobs, higher prospects than you imagine, Surrey born and parents in the countryside. One day they’ll win the Dad’s sprinting race at their kids’ sports day. The tapered tracksuit trouser is the most genius invention this century.