The people of Whole Foods

The one who got a NutriBullet for Christmas

With the earth-shattering realisation that everything, even nuts and frozen bits of mango can be blended, comes the experimentation phase. They’re here to stock up on chia seeds, dragonfruit and bee pollen. Just a warning, every smoothie you make will come out either sludge brown or rotten green. They will all taste the same and you will have things stuck in your teeth.

Gluten free girls

Be honest Jenni with an ‘i’, you’re not actually a coeliac are you? You wanted to lose weight so you decided to stop eating unhealthy food and Jenni, there is actually nothing wrong with that.

Health goths

They were wandering through life, pondering its emptiness, and then realised they were hungry. Luckily Whole Foods sells black quinoa to fit the vibe. No seasoning, obviously, because life is about sadness.

Water connoisseurs

Hydration is really important, did you know that? Boy will you know that, because boy, will these guys tell you. You will also discover that Fiji and Voss are good quality H20. They’re sourced from the deepest wells and the hottest volcanos, really pure stuff.

They’re usually in Lycra because they’re on the way back from a run that included a pilgrimage to the Stoke Newington branch. These waterboys lap it up: they pour water in their smoothies, they wash their hair with it, they pour it over the elegant greyhounds they walk through Clissold Park.

The Earth Mother

Kids today aren’t fed Turkey Twizzlers, they’re handed mini Tofurkey burgers in a slider with a kale crunch and a homemade relish. The offspring of the the north London earth mother has never tasted Dairy Milk (just organic dark chocolate), has never had cola that wasn’t wrought in a Dalston pop-up, and will never know what a Skip tastes like. It’s cool that you take your child everywhere with you, but the cramped aisles of Whole Foods are not made for wide eco strollers.

The new breed of vegan

Where are the medjool dates? What’s a tahini? How do you make nut butter anyway? Usually too young to remember the deep, deep social stigma which comes with turning vegan, this crowd are armed with a signed copy of Deliciously Ella and a very, very healthy appetite.

Pregnant ladies

She plays Shostakovich Ballet suites to her ‘bump’, she reads her ‘bump’ Susan Sontag essays. She nourishes her ‘bump’ with acai berries and chia seeds and spirulina powder. She is smug. Her child ends up fat.

Rich kids ‘hanging out’

Remember being 16? Remember having nowhere to go and nothing to do? Remember being too young for the pub and too old to smoke weed in the park? Remember wanting to “hang out” and thinking “where, where can we hang out?”

In 2016, teenagers with better haircuts than you, Canada Goose coats and box fresh Yeezys are hanging out in the Whole Foods on High Street Ken. Not buying anything, not really even browsing, they’re just walking around like zombies, hopelessly drawn to a place where there other rich and trendy people, helplessly marooned there because they can’t go and get smashed legally.

Whole Foods cynic

This guy saw asparagus water online and went down to check it out for himself and take a photo, all for the sake of an extended Facebook post about how it’s hipster culture gone absolutely bloody mad. They don’t even sell it any more, mate.

 

The one who Instagrams everything they see

Ettie, you are not, and never will be as successful as Deliciously Ella. No matter how much you abbreviate your name.

The Russian oligarch’s wife’s personal assistant

She’s here for the weekly shop. She might have little Andrei/Anya in tow.

Overly excitable cashiers

If only Tesco staff were this happy about life, asking how you are with genuine conviction, really staring into your eyes. The generous staff discount probably helps. They hand you brown paper bags proudly, like they spotted a 5p bag charge coming years ago.

The person who doesn’t get how expensive everything is

Sharon hasn’t been to Whole Foods before and she’s delighted by how fresh and vibrant the produce is. She’s filling her trolley to the brim: maqui berry powder, pumpkin seed butter, soy bean pasta, dried mango slices.

Sharon gets to the till. The price of her shop flashes up on the cashier’s screen – ninety five pounds seventy six pence. She can’t put anything back because that would be humiliating, and she’s gone to town on the price-by-weight salad bar. Most of it goes off before she gets the chance to eat it.

 

 

The people who buy all of their beauty products from Whole Foods

It’s pretty much an entire day out skimming through the ingredients to make sure every single component has never been accused of being carcinogenic. Here’s looking at you Sodium Laureth Sulfate, you bastard.

People on a date, eating without talking in the food hall

One of you thought this was a restaurant didn’t you? The bill comes to more than a tasting menu at The Ledbury, but it does cover every single food group going, apart from fats, sugars or fun, obviously.

Your Mum

Looking around her, looking at the tasteful, artful displays, happy for the first time in many years, your Mum turns to you and says: “everything’s so nice.” She packs her basket full of hand-formed chocolate (not knowing it’s vegan) and responsibly churned spaghetti (not knowing it’s made of spelt).

Your Dad

Looking around him, looking at the confusing displays of food he’s never heard of and can’t pronounce. Dad’s scared for the first time in years. Is this the future? He picks up some organic virgin coconut oil and says: “How much?” He’s really satisfied when you tell him it’s seven quid.