You should be really proud of your big bum
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Big bums are exquisite. But they are wilful. Buying jeans is a nightmare, sharing chairs is impossible and you get serenaded with Baby Got Back more times than you have appropriate responses.
Kim Kardashian has made “fat ass” acceptable, but she can afford a luxury the rest of us cannot: a full-time “booty tailor”, which is not the name of a fat virgin on Reddit. At £3,000 a day, the tailor is on hand to make sure her derriere is on point 24/7 – the rest of us climb into our skirts headfirst and try to squeeze through spaces made for normal people with normal sized bums.
You quickly got used to people telling you about your big bum
Sometimes, someone will holler at you from a van window and other times, you will catch your BFF gazing, mesmerised at it. A lot of people like talking to you about your bum. They’ll ogle it in the club and watch it wobble when you walk. You’ll roll your eyes as they say – again – that it’s amazing. You’re quietly thrilled though: you know they’re right.
You’ve lost count how many times jeans have got stuck on your thighs
On the other hand, whoever invented jeans did not design them for people with arses. You do not particularly wish to relive the times you were caught short in Topshop’s changing rooms, an extremely tight pair of jeans not budging above your mid thighs. You jump around, you balance on tip toes. It’s not happening.
When you do finally get a pair above your thighs, they’re anything but snug on your waist
High-waisted clothes were made for you, but mystifyingly, no-one has made high-waisted jeans which hug your bum and show off your tiny waist. They’re definitely just jealous. Of your bum.
You put skirts on over your head
Even then you struggle pulling it over your bum. And then try and get it off sexily when you’ve pulled. There is a tug of war as you hoik it over your bum, then you must choreograph your tangle of shoulders and arms. You fail and you can tell he’s starting to reconsider.
The day someone invents a fabric which lets you pull your skirts up your legs like a normal person, but then still manages to stay tight and actually fit like a skirt should, will be a very great day indeed.
Sharing a seat is more 70:30 than 50:50
When you played musical chairs, you knew you’d win because there was no way anyone else was getting on a chair once you were on it. Now, whenever anyone asks you to budge up so they can perch on your chair, or squeeze up on the sofa so they can fit in, they’re not going to get a very fair deal. Your booty takes up room. You cannot oppress the beast.
You’ve nailed the ‘from behind’ angle in photos
A backless dress, a coy peer over the shoulder; the flash will illuminate that divine derriere. Stick it as your profile picture and the likes will roll in. Thank you very much.
But if anyone puts you in the middle of a group shot, you’re fucked
That bum needs some wide hips to support it, and a front-on photo does your frame little justice. scramble to get on the end, side on and pop that hip. Get it right, and you completely steal the photo. Get it wrong, and you best pray no one tags you in it.
Buying bikinis is a nightmare
Why can’t all bikinis be sold as separates, rather than in a set? You’re either bulging in places you didn’t think you could bulge, or risk losing your top and flashing the whole wide world your boobs.
You’ve resigned yourself to booty shorts being an inevitable reality
Once you’ve got over the bulging-bum-versus-free-the-nipple bikini dilemma, you must accept that shorts will not cover your arse. Those denim hotpants designed to flash a cheeky bit are practically thongs on you; regular sized shorts still manage to worm their way up your arsecrack and give everyone a peek at the junk in your trunk.
Because of this, summer preparation starts in November
Like Christmas, the season of the bum starts looming earlier every year. This is probably because of global warming. And so winter is spent in legs, bums and tums classes and doing squat challenges so that when the booty shorts come calling, your bum is peachy. If it’s going on show, it needs to be on form.
You are queen of spooning
You get to play little spoon: your bum moulds to their every need. Your arse is the cushion of dreams.
Busy trains and small spaces are your nemesis
“Excuse me, can I just squeeze past?” No I don’t think so. Navigating a packed train is embarrassing; they’ll give an inch when you need a mile. Have you not seen what I’m packing here? Please clear a good foot unless you want to be literally booted out the way.
After years of being self-conscious when you walked past a group of boys, you’ve finally learnt to strut
You won’t lie: you’ve clocked people checking your rear as you walk past. No jeans, skirt or coat will hide it, and people will catcall an arse where they’d just ogle a good pair of tits. For years you were self-conscious: you shuffled past, head bowed, as people yelled “nice arse” or nudged their mates.
But you know what? Strut past, pop those hips: you do give good arse.