Gutted if you're Ugly Naked Guy
Exam procrastinators rejoiced this week over the news that Friends will finally be returning for a reunion special.
With that in mind, it only seems right to have a look at the UK’s unis through the eyes of the greatest sitcom of all time.
Cambridge – Ross
You’ve been published, you’re well respected academically and you’re probably an expert in your field. What you don’t realise is that no-one wants to watch you act posher than you are when you speak in front of a class, and it’s actually really annoying when you keep on correcting everyone all the time.
Oxford – Rachel
You really wear the pants in this relationship. Like Rachel, who should probably spend more time in the Rad Cam, Oxford is Cambridge’s prettier and better-dressed other half. Shame you’re still really annoying to everyone outside of your on-off relationship.
UCL – Monica
You’re uptight and stuffy, and you really care about impressing people. Sure, you’ll look like an absolute minx at Loop on a Wednesday, but inside you’ll always be that same fat teenager whose parents wish had gone to Oxbridge.
Manchester – Chandler
You’re funny – you wear clothes ironically, like that bucket hat you wore to Koh Tao last night as a “joke” and you’re far too clever for your own good. Or at least you think you are. You’re a fan of acting like you’re in on a joke that no-one gets, and pride yourself on being different from the rest. Could you be anymore edgy?
Bristol – Phoebe
If you’re not in the smoking area of Tribe of Frog telling people about your past lives, you’re muttering disapprovingly at all the IKEA furniture in your student house as if everyone’s favourite Swedish shop was as bad as Pottery Barn. Coming to uni meant a spiritual awakening and now you’re a freegan vegan Green voter destined to end up singing Smelly Cat outside Cabot Circus for loose change or working in one of the city’s many, many massage parlors.
Trent – Joey
Like Joey, Trent is fun, pretty good-looking and love nothing better than having sex. You’re not the brightest of the bunch, but you embrace it and don’t give a shit what people think – as long as everyone in the SU knows that Trent don’t share Jägerbombs.
Durham – Gunther
You really want to drive a wedge in between the relationship of the UK’s Ross and Rachel, even if they do barely acknowledge you. Deep down you know Oxbridge are way out of your league, but that doesn’t stop you lurking in the background with your silly blonde hair.
Nottingham – Dr Drake Ramoray
Whereas Trent/Joey is fundamentally silly, you represent the more serious side of the Nottingham persona: cool, collected and admittedly much cleverer. You might put on a lab coat and pretend to be a professional, but we all know your heart’s true place is on the Ocean dancefloor.
UWE – Ursula
Everyone thinks you’re the same as Bristol, but only one of you would end up starring in a porno.
Exeter – Emily
You’re from the South East, you’re annoyingly posh and you love rugby. You’re fairly well known among the Monday Moz dancefloor regulars, but ultimately not quite important enough to stay relevant for too long – mostly people just want you out of the way, and no amount of old family wealth can change that.
Oxford Brookes – Jill
You’re the ditzier, prettier, looser version of Oxford. Yeah, you’re not as clever as they may be, but you’re funner because of it. You’d rather be enjoying yourself in Fuzzy’s, and though you’re never really the star of the show, you are partial to jumping in and stealing Oxford’s limelight every once in a while.
Royal Holloway – Amy
You’ve got a strong look and think everyone else should have one too – even babies. Sure, people forget you’re part of London/the Green family but you don’t care: you’re a proud, strong independent woman and if other people interpret that as being bitchy then that’s their problem.
Bath – Ross’ cousin
Everyone at Bath is so fit, you almost forget going there would be a big mistake.
St Andrews – Amanda
You’re from Yonkers, your last name is Buffamonteezi – so why do you sound so transatlantic? Everyone at St Andrews is American, so you’d think in their safe space they’d keep their accents – but instead they’ve tried to go all refined. They apologise for “catching you on your cell phone” but ask if they can “pop round the flat”. They attend a lot of balls and have never had any professional dance training, and everyone else finds them insufferable even though they might feel a bit bad about it.
Edinburgh – Richard
You’re well established, sturdy and a just a little bit pretentious. But you know all these things, so rather than rubbing it in everyone’s face you just sit back and enjoy it. Admit it: if Edinburgh was a man, it would definitely have a strong moustache.
Aberdeen – The girl from Poughkeepsie
For all your good looks and good chat, you’re in the middle of nowhere and not really worth the effort to get to.
Cardiff – Mike
You often find yourself on the sidelines – but you know what, you never did anything wrong and you’re not hurting anybody. You’re the kind of person people like to bump into in the Lash, but after one Sambuca they usually make their excuses and head for the smoking area. Everyone can tell that you’re just a really nice guy, you’ve got fairly good chat and you’re easy to get along with – but it doesn’t mean there won’t be an awkward silence if you’re put in a room with Cambridge.
Aberystwyth – Ugly naked guy
You just don’t give a fuck do you? There’s nothing like streaking round Penglais Hill while everyone watches in awe, with absolutely no idea how to respond. Much like Ugly Naked Guy, you just carry on with your own thing while everyone else *ahem, Cardiff* tries to suss you out. Nah mate.
QUB – Gandalf
You’ve heard Belfast is a lot of fun, and you know it’d be mental if Queen’s came to town: they just never do. Just like Gandalf’s grown up since you guys were at college, there’s a whole ocean between QUB and everyone else – so you’ll never get to see their party magic.
Lancaster – The stoned guy
It’s well known you enjoy the old narcotics session, which usually ends in you being unable to complete even the simplest of tasks.
Loughborough – Paul
You’re the man, and it’s not hard to tell with the amount of time you spend flexing in front of the mirror in your boxers. You’ll act all hard at Friday Night Disco, but we all know you’ll spend Saturday curled up in a ball, crying – when those gates open, it’s hard to close them.
UEA – Rachel’s cat
If you can get past the ugly exterior, whether it be leathery skin or dirty grey ziggurats, you’ll find at its core that it’s cute – although watch out for the claws after a night at the LCR.
Leicester – The actress who played Carol originally
You forgot about her too.
Warwick – Janice
You love to talk about Warwick and how good it is. Honestly, you’d need to buy a vowel to describe your English faculty, because O. My. God. In all seriousness though, you’re not charming anyone, and it’s the reason no-one’s happy when you keep coming back to talk about yourself some more.
Reading – Mona
Yeah, you’re kind-of fun, you’re quite clever and granted you have your few moments of fame. You try really hard to be noticed but really, no-one remembers you.
King’s – Pete
No amount of money can make up for being pretty average aesthetically. At least you live in a nice part of town and can indulge in your bizarre hobbies, whether it be getting beaten up in UFC or getting bladdered in Walkabout – whichever one it is, you’re going to feel shit tomorrow.
LSE – Paolo
The only thing bigger than your inheritance is the tub of hair wax you use to tame those oily locks. Lucky your student flat has a roof terrace, or you wouldn’t be able to charm women out there with your “guarda le stelle” routine.
Birmingham – Estelle
You’re always calling your friends at midnight with rollers in your hair and a fag in their hand, telling them to get down to Snobs because their (uni) career depends on it.
Newcastle – Bonnie
Yeah, you’re fit and you are a really great night out. You’re probably the funnest out of all of them, but unfortunately you don’t fit it into the main group of cool kids, constantly being upstaged by other unis and other women. Why wouldn’t you go a bit rogue and do something weird to get noticed? Leeds and Manchester don’t have shaved heads.
Northumbria – Frank
You just want to have a good time, and it’s all fun and games until you end up going a bit too far and doing some real damage – whether that’s walking into lampposts or marrying your seminar tutor.
Liverpool – Ross after he’s been spray-tanned
Liverpool is clever, it can be sensible and has its occasional edgy side. But Ross after his spray tan is the real Liverpool. When it comes to tanning, there’s no such thing as “too dark”. You’ll buy the darkest shade of St Moritz you can find and slather on two coats every other day. Sometimes you’re too busy getting ready for a big night at The Raz to do your back – and that’s OK.
JMU – Tag
You don’t need to be bogged down by silly things like meaningful relationships and work, you’re just here to be quite fit and have a good time.
York – The dirty girl
There was so much potential here. You’re good looking, clever, well -ranked and in a beautiful city. But then you got off the train on the open day, and you just couldn’t get past the ugly campus and the smell of the lake and the goose shit.
Sheffield – The duck
You waddle around the Russell Group, never making too much of an impact and generally just being happy to be there, although your wings do help when navigating the hilly terrain and avoiding the undesirables who go to Corp. You do sometimes get a piece of the action though – like the time you got stuck in the foosball table, or when you managed to beat Durham into the top 15.
Hallam – The chick
When you grow up, you want to be just like Sheffield – but for the meantime you’re stuck in your juvenile ways, cheating on all your exams and for some reason still thinking Corp is a good idea.
Leeds – Mr Heckles
This is exactly your aesthetic on a Saturday afternoon after a big one at Beaverworks, shuffling around in your dressing gown complaining about the noise. You spent last night’s Cirque du Soul telling a lot of far-fetched stories about your winter break in Val Thorens and your gap yah exploits. Can you really tame tigers in the jungles of Sumatra? You could…
Leeds Beckett – Fun Bobby
You’re always up for a laugh, which is why you’ve earned the nickname of Fun Beckett, the party uni who can strawpedo a bottle of Echo Falls with one hand and demolish a post-Pryzm Maccys with the other. Sooner or later, when the stench of Sticky Feet VKs doesn’t subside, everyone will realise there isn’t much difference between a lad and a functioning alcoholic.
Hull – Mr Treeger
Why won’t anybody dance with you?