Have ISIS finally reached peak Four Lions?
Rubber dinghy rapids bro
This morning, papers all over the country ran a story about ISIS that made them seem far less scary, and much much funnier. In a twist that couldn’t have been written better, Jihadi John 2.0, the one in Isis’ latest propaganda video wasn’t a mysterious and evil figure. He wasn’t a Mujahadeen from a rural Afghan village.
He was a bouncy castle salesman from Walthamstow and his name is Sid.
— Nick Sutton (@suttonnick) January 4, 2016
Just like Waj and Brother Barry, he has no clue what he’s into. He shakes his face to blur it on CCTV and he’s definitely eaten his own SIM card. And he’s not alone. Thousands of socially awkward, brainwashed teens from all over the world have gone all the way out to Syria to sit around and discuss how to radicalise the moderates, and get hold of bleach in huge quantities.
@iyad_elbaghdadi My dad said I have to be home by 8pm. Will we be done by then?
— Safiyya-Maryam Ahmed (@guidanceofgod) December 27, 2015
It’s not just the foot-soldiers either. On Boxing Day, when you were forcing down turkey that somehow got even drier than it was on Christmas day, Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi was busy trying to recruit the next generation of ISIS extremists. When the call was tweeted by journalists (above), ISIS got absolutely wrecked, not by Obama or David Cameron, but by lads from Bradford called Mo, who would much rather play Fifa 16 than trek it all the way to a desert in Syria where they definitely don’t even have Xboxes, WhatsApp or five-a-side.
The response to ISIS’s clarion call shows how desperate and pathetic these terrorists really are. There’s something darkly hilarious about the clumsy, bumbling “freedom fighters” of today. They’re not professional fighters, they’re idiots who accidentally tweet with their location on from the front lines and dress like kebabs.
Just like the scene in Four Lions where Brother Crow gets exploded, right now, white guys who used to have names like Kevin and Steve with scraggly horrible beards are somewhere outside Raqqa accidentally exploding small birds and singing their hearts out to Toploader.
And they’re now starting to be treated like the laughing stock they are. It’s not just Charlie Hebdo taking cracks any more, most Western newspapers and even Palestinian TV channels are waking up to the realisation that just like the boys from Bradford, these mugs are nothing to be afraid of.