If the Syria airstrikes have made us realise one thing, it’s that there are some bad people on Facebook

Every politician on your newsfeed this week

It’s an iron law of Facebook that when something like Parliament’s decision to extend RAF airstrikes into Syria happens, everyone starts sharing their unsolicited, unwanted opinions. 

The real world of politics and war, with its painful coalition building, hypocrisy, violation of principle, ugly short-term compromises, tactical duplicity, disingenuous dealings around goals and strategy – this real world is washed away in a tide of badly thought out bullshit on Facebook.

Whatever side people take, their statuses are defined by their overstatement and the feeling they provoke in you – I want to delete these people from my Facebook. 

But it’s actually much, much easier just to screenshot what they say, send it to a squad chat and laugh at them. These are the people you’ve been rolling your eyes at this week.

Acting like they’re not involved and then arguing for days in the comments

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 15.07.44

They’ll start with “Syria, right?” in some pathetic attempt to wind up anyone with an opinion. The problem is, they are exactly that person.

Whether it’s sharing a Gandhi quote, Hilary Benn’s speech, or some wild conspiracy because fire can’t melt steel beams, they’ll goad everyone with a nonchalant status that belittles the whole thing, then resort to every different way of arguing every different point, simply for the sake of arguing.

The reality is, like most people, they don’t give a fuck about a Syria, or at least they only care about it when it’s part of the news cycle.

By tomorrow they’ll have made a status asking where Frank Ocean’s gone, or replying to a post on Jamie Vardy’s Having A Party with multiple tears of joy emojis. 

Get the bastards

When did you become friends with Andrew? You’re not sure. Was it that house party where you smoked your first blunt back in 2008? Was he that guy who met at an away day in Watford once? Did you run into each other at a varsity darts match?

Whatever the case, you don’t know much about Andrew, apart from one thing: he fucking hates terrorists. Andrew’s definition of terrorists is quite broad: every Muslim, every non-white person, every Irish person, every woman, every person who’s voted Labour, every person who’s bought the Guardian, every person who doesn’t want stronger borders and an Australian style point system, every person who doesn’t like his status which begins “You can’t negotiate with terrorists” and finishes with “kill them all”. Andrew’s had enough and he’s not going to take it anymore.

If you’re young you’re also stupid

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 14.57.36

The one who uses words they don’t understand

Paradigm

100 words that mean absolutely nothing

Our brothers, our sisters in Syria, how have we become so apathetic that all of our compassion is gone? It’s with a heavy heart that I express my empathy. This conflict must end before we take it too far and more lives are lost.

The guy who says he doesn’t have an opinion on it all

Why are you lying?

‘I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again Lets all have a fund to pay for travel and hotel costs for Mr Corbyn and his hench men to go to Syria and get Daesh round the table with all the other combatants. Im ready to cough up a couple of hundred but only if its videod.’

Thanks for letting us know, Gary.

The ‘everyone’s coming out of the woodwork’ and I’m above this

Facebook politicians, hey? What are they like, wielding their hammer of social media justice around the place. The only person worse that that is YOU, for pointing it out and being even more self-affirming and self-righteous. If you really wanted to stay out of it, you just wouldn’t say anything at all. You basically want to get involved with the debate, but haven’t done enough research, so the only option you have left is to post a clever cartoon that someone who is cleverer than you has drawn

I don’t know how anyone can truly be sure of the right course of action. Fortunately, it’s not my decision to make. Let the chips fall where they may. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. There are no easy answers. C’est la vie. Say you will, say you won’t…

The Zeitgeist fan

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 15.06.26

Open your eyes sheeple! Don’t you see this is all part of some Zion-liberal-Western-marxist pseudo-conspiracy. The ISIS beheading videos were faked, yo. All of it is. It’s all a ploy to make McDonald’s more money or something.

Captain I told you so!

James was right about the Euro. James was right about China’s one child policy. He was right tax credits and dammit, he was right about the end of Interstellar not really making any sense.

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 15.03.38

James made statuses about all of these things, and now he’s making one about Syria. “I told you so” writes James, “I told you we’d need to send in the planes.” When did James tell you? Does anyone remember what he said? Does it even matter, except as some kind of weird public ego stroking for James? No. Just let him have it.

The person that shares an old article or video thinking it’s just happened

Someone my Facebook today genuinely shared a video of Tony Benn speaking in 1998 against bombing Iraq with the caption “so brave to speak out x”. I’m not sure which is worse, the fact that they blindly share everything without even clicking through, or the fact that they profess to care so deeply when the date is literally staring them in the face.

The ‘I’m just going to leave this here’ petition signer

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 15.50.50

*mic drop*

Where is the strategy? Where is it? Show me a strategy Mr Cameron?

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 14.58.59

Even he didn’t actually have one, would he want it from an undergrad at UWE?

The person with a Muslim friend

To all the people posting statuses in favour of air strikes, I just want to say that my very good friend Farouk had this to say to me earlier: “These people are not real Muslims, they are killers. We should not let innocent Muslims be caught in the cross-fire.” I nearly cried. You all should too.

The medic

Cuts to the NHS but we can afford to rain death from the skies over innocent children? Why not build more hospitals, provide more vaccinations, cure more diseases, banish all cancers, fix every broken bone, exterminate every germ, obliterate old age, annihilate arthritis, find the fountain of eternal youth? All of these are far more reasonable uses of TAXPAYERS’ money than hundreds of disgusting bombs.

Jeremy Hunt, you sicken me.

Your Mum’s hot take on it all

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 15.05.28

The one lecturing about reposting articles on Facebook

I’ve been waiting for this perfect opportunity to show you how wrong and gullible you all are, and this article from The Independent dispelling the myths circulating around Facebook is the perfect thing for it. Not that I’ve actually done any research or learnt any facts myself on the matter. You’re welcome, world.

The one who goes really fucking full on out of nowhere

Greg didn’t used to speak much at school, but he always brings extra beer to parties and he’ll lend you a cig if you’re in the smoking area with him. But can that possibly excuse the foul-mouthed, misinformed and eye-wateringly xenophobic tirade he’s just dropped? We expected it from the rest of them, Greg, but not from you.

Mr Death Wish

What’s happening in Syria like, actually sickens me. I’m not sure I want to live on this planet anymore. Eurgh. Fuck the human race. I wish someone would bomb us.

Carrying on as normal as Syria burns

12294898_10153722032194431_5769701650093850139_n

Livvy and Freddie had parties this week. They don’t care if Paris burns or Syrian children are blown to smithereens – your feed will be full of uncomfortable juxtapositions between those things and Livvy looking stunning in her backless red dress at christmas formal, while Freddie uploads an obnoxious selfie of him and his mate Sam with the caption “This is our twenties”. Life, as they say, goes on.

Hilary Benn isn’t like his Dad (who I read about on Wikipedia this morning) so he’s actually a really Bad Person who no one should agree with

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 15.02.05

RIP The Right Honourable Tony Benn (3 April 1925 – 14 March 2014).

More
The Tab