Thongs will always be sexier than French knickers

No VPL for a start

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than slipping on a black thong when I get dressed in the morning and having a cheeky glimpse of my bum in the mirror.

It looks perky, well-rounded and the perfect size – thanks to the thong. All you have to do is look at Kylie Jenner’s Instagram to see they are well and truly the one. Lift the sides a little higher, reveal a bit of thigh-brow and congratulate yourself on being the next Beyoncé.

If it's good enough for Kylie

If it’s good enough for Kylie

French knickers can't make you that peachy

French knickers can’t make you that peachy

French knickers can’t give you that sort of sex appeal, so it’s amazing 70 per cent of people admitted they prefer them, branding thongs “chavvy” and having “no mystery”. French knickers might have a fancy name, and you think adding some lace which covers a bit of cheek gives them this je ne sais quoi, but be honest with yourself. Do you have a camel toe? How many times have you fished a wedgie out of your arse? Exactly.

One of the biggest myths about thongs is they’re uncomfortable. It’s practically impossible to get a wedgie in a thong. There’s so little material, and it’s already right up there so you just get used to it. There’s no awkward riding up, no having to subtly have a reshuffle while walking up the stairs – you just pop one on and you’re good to go.

If lace should be anywhere, it's on a thong

If lace should be anywhere, it’s on a thong

But the best thing about thongs? No VPL. Ever. Nothing ruins a tight dress or a pair of leggings like a couple of arches running across your bum. No matter how fit you are, no one can that pull off. Thongs are sleeker, sexier and more sophisticated.

French knickers are for 16-year-old girls trying to get a boyfriend, who think having their pants popping out of their jeans is the biggest turn on ever. The actual definition of French knickers is “loose-fitting, wide-legged knickers, typically of silk or satin”. Are you taking fashion tips from your granny? Satin is a material reserved only for the likes of Ethel and Betty who like the feel of it on their wrinkly skin.

I bet that 70 per cent of you are now sitting there filled with regret, pining for the thong you so roguely disregarded.