How to have sex at a house party

I have a theory: if you’re going to sleep with someone, the first thirty seconds – when you meet each other – is the most important thirty seconds. You both get thirty seconds to establish whether or not any sex will be happening between you. Coup de foudre is an actual thing. Think about it. How many times have you met someone and thought, yeah, we’re going to shag. Actually quite often. It’s palpable, it’s electric. You both know.

So at a house party, how can you make them know you know they know? This is the definitive guide to pulling and successfully having intercourse.

Obviously ask them if they want a tour

Honestly, just don’t look like a cunt. Don’t act like a cunt. Don’t be yourself for fuck’s sake. Don’t scream the word “banter”. Find the right moment to ask them if they’ve “seen the rest of this place” (thank me for that line whenever you want btw), the right moment to go for a smoke. Or just say it. If you think they know, say: shall we go upstairs.

What music should you be listening to?

Obviously Drake no? No it’s obviously The Weeknd. How loud should it be? Do you have music which is different to the music in the main room of the party or do you just let it sort of carry through? There are many questions.

If you put on your own music, you’re giving the house party shag a level of premeditation which borders on creepy and ruins the vibe of the sexual encounter (spur of the moment, illicit, whoops look what happened). Just let the person with the aux cable dictate the pace of your thrusts and hope they don’t go completely rogue and put on The Fray.

How many people should be there – and what time should you do it?

If there’s too many people (more than 60) there won’t be anywhere private or non-gross to go, but if there’s not enough (less than 10)  it will be really obvious.

Peak time for house party sex is between 2-3am, anything after that there are too few people in the room. There are gaps in the crowds and they can see your potential really bad decisions, and remind you of them the next day. Anything before 2-3am and you’re missing potentially the peak party time. The houseparty shag is part of your night but it should not overtake your night.

Imagine how annoyed you’re going to be if while you’re getting a very awkward blowjob in bedroom number two, someone has literally just dropped one of Bieber’s bangers in the front room.

How should you decide who you want to pull?

Choose someone with mutual friends, someone you’d know if you saw them tagged in a mutuals photo on Facebook. You knew you wanted to pull since you got the invite. You knew there would be friends of friends present who are yet to find out how much of a sanctimonious cunt you are. So you knew. But when do you decide to pull the trigger on the 7/10 who works with Dave in marketing, who you’ve been putting the ground work in with all night? When the first person says they’re leaving. After this there’s a golden window. Everyone realises the night is coming to a close – so they crack open a final Stella and head to the dancefloor. Now is your time. 

What should you be drinking/taking?

No one wants a pilly willy. Space it out throughout the course of the night. You want to be buzzed enough to be brave enough to actually do it, but not completely incapacitated.

Where should you shag and how do you take them there?

Are you the host? The power is in your hands. Unless you’ve fucked it and given them the guided tour at beginning of the night your time is now. “Have you seen the flat? Let me give the guided tour”. Reaction one: you’re house proud and therefore quite boring. Reaction two: “why yes, I’d love to slip off to the bedroom and have sex with you”. Build up is key – show them the boiling cupboard if you have to.

It sounds dirty, but the bathroom is always an obvious choice. So many surfaces, so many positions. Plus you can actually lock the door. There is no shame in stopping other guests from going to the toilet either – they can piss outside but you can’t have sex outside, that looks too desperate.

Having said that, there are exceptions. If there are no beds free and you’re out of options, outside is going to be your best bet. You want to be far away enough from the entrance or the backdoor to avoid peeping smokers or motion-sensor lights, but not so far into public property that you’ll be done for indecent exposure. Your ideal positioning is against a wall in the shadows, although be careful to avoid rogue toilet spots – nothing’s a bigger turn off than the smell of a piss-soaked garden fence.

Read the vibe

Definitely know when you’ve had enough. You want a one time only thing. I was once at a party where someone shagged too early, came back all ruddy faced and embarrassed and then went back to do it again at like 1am. They tried to make it out like their wanton abandon for social convention was cool, but it wasn’t. It was just a bit desperate. The house party shag is is taboo and it’s exciting because it’s illicit — too much and you ruin the appeal. You may as well just sleep with them at home.

Make your excuses and disappear for close to an hour. The longer the better. Go do some shots or some coke and explore the rest of the house, but don’t get too fucked. Find the guys selling laughing gas, use the toilet, have a brief spell on the comfy bed where all the people who are too pissed are rolling around laughing playing Cards Against Humanity. Scope out the room at the top of the house, preferably the messy one.

Mess around for a while, don’t get too keen. It gets to about half 2, maybe 3am, you now stand at a fork in the road. You can either chose to take them to yours, or theirs, or risk it and shag at the house party. If you get caught you’re the preserve of house party jokes for the next few months. Do not go to the room where the drunk crew once were, they’ll only come back to find a sock or lost purse. Take the room at the top of the house, remove your shoes and leave them very obviously placed outside the door. Use whatever you can to block it – an empty clothes horse is often a good idea. Now, guarded in your own shagging fort, you can have all the sex you want and even get some rest.

Do you introduce them to your friends?

Unless you feel that you want to marry them or at least take them out for a drink at some point, there’s no need to do that. Party shags should be a lovely spontaneous addition to the night when you spend the rest of the time having fun with your friends. You don’t want an awkward clinger situation where you feel the need to make small talk for whole night just because you’ve seen each other naked. Unnecessary.

How much talking should there be before and after?

Sure you’ve exchanged the eyes and had a few flirty remarks, but don’t cling onto them all evening waiting for the moment to happen. Play it cool, ignore them for a bit, chat to someone else, keep them on their toes. You can’t make it too easy for them: they’ll never appreciate it. You’ve got to make sure you actually enjoy the house party before you seal the deal, otherwise you might as well have stayed at home and booty called. Acknowledge them when you arrive, pie them off for most the evening, then swoop in when you’re getting ready to leave. Easy.

You’ll clock them straight away, but resist the urge to go up to them, declare your love and tell them how you want to be with them for the rest of you life. Bide your time. Don’t force anything. Offer a slight smile when they walk passed but nothing more. Find out the connection between the host and your new-found love. Go for a cig with the host and get the person in question to join. Make friendly chat, look them in the eye and leave it. Later on when you’re feeling boozed just go for it. Don’t hold back. Joke, laugh and pretend to be the magnetic social presence you wish you were. If there’s a spark, stoke it with more questions. When the party’s in full swing around 2am ask the host if you can borrow their bedroom for a bit – pretty much everyone else will be downstairs starting to wonder if it’s time to move on. If that fails, sneak into the room at the top of the house belonging to the housemate who’s on holiday and barricaded her door with a chair. No-one’s been in here yet and they won’t be.

Alternatively, swan back into the main event with a “you all know what we just did” look on your face and expect to be greeted like the king or queen or court jester that you are. Just make sure you don’t try and get a high five off the person whose bed you just shagged in.