How much noise should boys make in bed?

Say your own name over and over again, obviously

I knew someone who’s fave thing in bed was to say “oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god” on repeat. It was like being at Mass, but less fun.

It begged the question – how much noise should I be making? Should I be taking the lord’s name in vain? Or is the standard grunt enough? Or maybe, like Mark Corrigan, I should be completely silent, a captain solemnly going down with his ship? Who knew?

I asked some Londoners how much noise men should make in bed.

Ed and Joel, 19

Joel: Moaning and grunting is fine. After that it can be a little embarrassing.

Ed: I do have a bit of a problem with chat. My girlfriend told me about this ex she had who used to spend the whole time they were in bed describing and commentating exactly what he was doing with his dick, instead of actually fucking her. That’s pure cringe.

Olwynn, 25


For me it all depends on the person. Some men can pull almost anything off, others really can’t.

Joe, 22 and Luke, 24


Joe: It depends I think. Not on the situation but the girl you’re with at the time. If they’re into that kind of thing, then you will talk more, you will grunt more.

Luke: You get different situations and moments with women. I tend to vary the amount of noise I make depending on what they want. Maybe she doesn’t want you to make too much noise, maybe you’re playing music and it isn’t the right atmosphere.

It’s all about testing the waters. Rub your finger over their bum hole and see what they say. If they enjoy that, they might enjoy filthy talk.

Connie, 20


I don’t like it when guys make too much noise in the bedroom. Honestly, they should never be louder than the girl. Honestly though, this is probably a conversation everyone should have with their girlfriend.

Chanel, 26


What I will say is this. If a boy is like “ARGHHHHHGHGH” [waves arms around] or something along those lines, then I have a real problem with it. Any kind of narration or commentary is a complete no for me as well.

Saying that if the moment is right, pretty much anything can be allowed. I don’t think there’s a way to test the water with this stuff.

Josh, 22

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Guys should do whatever they want to do. They should say whatever they want to say. I think men are, if anything, too quiet in bed most of the time. We ought to feel freer about making noise in bed.

Ben, 23

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I’m a big believer in verbal communication when I’m having sex. My girlfriend ends up screaming a lot more than I do though.

Jamal, 22

IMG_1156It’s not something I even think about. Like, I feel a bit confused and worried to mention it to be honest. Should I be thinking about it?

Dean, 27


I think men should be free to express themselves in the bedroom as long as they’re not arseholes about it.

Connor, 22


I guess you should make as much noise as you want. For me it’s women who are traditionally the noisemakers, doing the howling and the werewolf shit.

There’s a very thin line between what’s sexy and what’s cringey when it comes to making noise though.