Confessions: How did you lose your virginity?
Touched for the very first time
From MSN first lovers, drunken fumbles in halls or claiming you lost it at 14 to “someone from another school, you don’t know them”, everyone remembers their awkward first time even though it’s something they’d rather forget. We asked you about your glorious and awful first times, so we can all share the experience together.
I was 15 years old and at a house party. I’d had three cans of Carlsberg and was feeling ballsy, as well as being off my face. As a result I felt confident enough to talk to someone other than the three friends I had come with. The first person I spoke to was a girl. We got chatting and one thing led to another. We ended up having sex on the trampoline in the back garden, disregarding the steady flow of people strolling past us to smoke what may as well have been oregano behind the shed. It’s actually quite difficult to have sex on a trampoline – it’s made even more difficult when you’re shaking with fear. I’m pretty sure I didn’t come, courtesy of three cans of Carlsberg, and I’m sure she didn’t either. We went our separate ways until I bumped into her, sobbing in a bedroom upstairs. She had been in the process of trying to get back with her boyfriend and was devastated. I gave her a meek sorry and walked out – I haven’t seen her since.
I was 17 and I’d been going out with my shit hometown boyfriend for A YEAR AND A HALF because I wouldn’t let him have sex with me and he was going this really weird shade of grey because it was taking so long. I made a huge fuss when we did it (at his house, when his mum was at work) and thought it would actually be amazing and I’d naturally be a sex goddess. Actually it was pretty shit. It was what felt like half an hour but was in reality more like two minutes of missionary. I’d heard all these stories about how it was shit and hurt the first time but actually it was just boring. He had up loads of posters and one of them was a Eminem poster with quotes on it. I got so bored I just started reading the quotes to pass the time. He caught me doing it and I literally had to apologise and then just looked at the ceiling for the rest of the time. Also he kind of looked like he was going bald from that angle. Awful.
I was 16 and it was Valentine’s Day (romantic, I know) and everything was impeccably planned out: the dinner I was cooking, the wine we were drinking – I’d even given her some roses earlier in the day. My parents were off out to dinner and the mood was set, so I got to downing a few glasses of red to soothe my nerves. She arrived and dinner went well, and before we knew it we were tearing off each others’ clothes.
Now I’m not sure if it was the nerves, or the wine, or perhaps a combination of both, but I couldn’t get it up. Literally, not even a little bit. Having never had sex before I was worried that my dick simply didn’t work, and I was about to be consigned to a life of sexless flaccidity.
By the time I managed to just about muster a pathetic erection half an hour later, the mood had sort of been spoilt – especially because we had to rush before my parents got home.
She didn’t have sex with me again, and I really don’t really blame her.
After some first class dates including an in-depth description of his K-hole, an episode of Adventure Time and a viewing of The Big Lebowski, 17-year-old me decided this was the person I should lose my virginity to. An older man who had experienced so much more than I had, who knew what he was doing, who had already left school. The lack of emotional connection didn’t matter when I was the first person out of my friends to have sex (I went to an all girls’ school). The mood was set, my parents were downstairs, the condom was out, and the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking “Is this it?”. Sexy and unromantic, the way a virginity loss should be.
It was my first real girlfriend, we’d been going out for three days. I was at her house for the first time ever meeting her parents. I’d been getting on really well with her parents and it was all fairly pleasant. Her parents and their friends decided to go for a walk, leaving us alone in the house. She’d already lost her virginity, but still wanted to make it special. She floated the idea of doing candles, music, the whole nine yards. But me being the horny 17-year-old guy whose mates had already lost their V, I said I just wanted to get it over with. So she pulled up her dress, I pulled down my jeans and for thirty seconds it was the most intense pleasure I’d ever experienced. I lost my virginity fully clothed except for socks. I then left the room to call my best mate and said “Mike, something’s happened”.
I had just started seeing the guy who ended up being my first serious boyfriend. He knew it was my first time so he decided to make it really special for me by booking a two star hotel room down the road from my family home. I don’t mean “down the road” in the general sense, I mean literally six doors down my house. As if this wasn’t romantic enough, I had put music on shuffle and during the middle of the whole uncomfortable event, the song “Rape Me” by Nirvana came on. We decided to stop and try again another time.
I’d been with my funny boyfriend for a couple of months, and to be honest I don’t really remember it. I was 16, thought everyone else was shagging all the time and thought I should probably get it over with while I’ve got the opportunity. It was probably missionary, and it was probably shit.
It wasn’t a planned thing, it kind of just happened. We’d been going out for a few weeks (but had been friends for ages) and all my older friends were doing it, so one night I thought “fuck it” and after a drunken night at a friend’s house, went back and had missionary sex in his single bed. It did really hurt and it wasn’t very romantic. He’d had sex before but still didn’t seem to know what he was doing. Looking back I’m not even sure if I fancied him at the time. I was genuinely more happy about being able to call my best friend in the morning and tell her I’d done it first.
She was my first “proper girlfriend” (obviously I had loads before but they’re not actually your girlfriend unless you bone). She was few years older than me – I was a mere 14 and she was 17. We had been going out for around six months but having been brainwashed by my local Methodist Church I was under the illusion I shouldn’t be having sex. Being a horny 14 year old boy with a fit girlfriend, wanking just wasn’t cutting it for me. Despite being slightly older she was still a virgin and obviously an understanding girl as she was aware of my original rationale. One day (over text obviously) I told her I felt the time had come (nicely coinciding with the same time I thought the pastor was full of shit and God didn’t exist). I asked her to pick me up from school (she had a car…sure) and take us back to my parents as I had a free house. The night before I had secretly bought lube stashing it beside my bed. We got home and started taking our clothes off (nothing was awkward as we had done everything but plenty of times) and asked her to lay on her front. She wasn’t making much noise but at the time really didn’t care. Three or four minutes into the act I unsuspectingly came and rolled off her leant over and asked her “how was it”. She replied “that was the back of my legs babes”.
It’s one of those house parties where you’ve turned up with a mate and don’t really know anyone else there. After a good initial hour or so spent talking to just each other, we eventually end up in the good books of two girls: let’s call them Lisa and Amy. Amy, who I’ve been flirting with outrageously in that naive, virginal way you do when you’re young, lives nearby and suggests we go back to her (empty) house. On the way my friend loses interest – he’d later blame it on being too drunk – and peels off, leaving me with just the two girls.
Once we’re in the house, Lisa wastes no time in making her excuses and goes to sleep in one of the spare rooms. Amy and I sit on the sofa and I gratefully accept her offer of a smoke, if only because it gave me something to do with my hands. Teenage awkwardness continues for a bit and she puts the telly on. ITV2: everyone’s second-favourite Kevin Bacon film Tremors is on. When you’re drunk and joining it over an hour in, that film is balls-to-the-walls insane and any tension was soon broken by us laughing hysterically at it. How we escalated from that point to making out half-naked on the sofa I’m not quite sure.
Up in her bedroom, we’re both naked and I’m frantically trying to remember everything I’ve learned from my trial-and-error visits to third base in the past. Things seem to be going well, she’s having a great time. Alcohol and time cloud the memory but I do remember a brief moment of “Am I doing it? Holy shit, I’m doing it! Fuck this is cool”. All the usual teenage fears of only lasting a minute or picking up some horrendous injury melted away. Sure, we didn’t ever progress beyond missionary but we both had a great time. The next morning I headed home, but not before she’d invited me back over to watch Transformers on Friday. The fact I wasn’t her first and yet I still qualified for such a fantastic date night put a spring in my step all the way home.
When you’re thirteen and you’re about to lose your virginity, a lot of things cross your mind. Will I do it right? What does she actually have between her legs? Am I going to prison for this? Can I get home in time to catch Blue Peter? She was my first proper girlfriend. We had been going out for two months and I knew that it was time to do the decent thing, so we planned it out for a day when we didn’t have after-school extracurricular activities. Her parents had gone out to yoga class, so we only had an hour- an hour was all I needed. I came round looking as seductive as I could make myself, which involved undoing the top button of my uniform and loosening my tie in a devil may care mess (if Hugo Boss did Back to School ads I would have been a shoo in). We got straight down to it once we were in her room. There wasn’t much in terms of foreplay, because to be honest neither of us knew what that would entail. Be fair to us, I hadn’t started sex ed class, I was self-taught. Saying it was five minutes of missionary would be flattering myself, I actually spent five minutes doing half-pressups while technically having sex, and saying sorry the whole way through. Eventually it just sort of petered out. Obviously we got dressed straight away after (we may have been excited by our first time but we weren’t animals) then lay there in silence, a mixture of terror and pride filling the room. It hadn’t been great, but it had definitely happened, and nobody could take that away from me. My post-coital smugness was cut short when her parents got back early, so I scarpered, home in time for Hollyoaks. Sadly, it wasn’t an enduring romance. Soon after she broke up with me on MSN group chat, and no amount of heart emoticons, e-cards or declarations of “luv” could change her mind.
Like, was I ever going to hit puberty? That was my teenage years. That was being 14 and 15 and 16 and a little bit of 17 – when am I going to hit puberty? When is it going to happen? When am I going to get laid? Obviously puberty did happen and obviously I did get laid. I was 18, it was with my ex-girlfriend who I was deeply in love with, everything apart from the bed breaking halfway through and waking my parents up (Mum knocking on the door: “Are you two OK”) was meticulously planned. I must have had one of the least impressive sexual debuts of all time: unrhythmic, saying shit like “are you alright” and awkwardly refusing to take my shirt off. I’m cringing right now at the thought of it and I hope you’re cringing too.
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