Men do not like handjobs. Accept it

What do men really want from women? The answer is not handjobs.

Companionship at the rolling over in bed at 2am and feeling fellow human warmth level. Sure, definitely. Someone to put up with their whining, their neuroses. Yup, unfortunately. Someone to roll their eyes at those grand private statements only lovers can make to each other. Bingo.

Then there’s sex and the one thing men definitely, absolutely do not want or need from women: handjobs. Men do not want handjobs.

An impressively lively and confident handjob from the most ardent dick idolator – who you’d be happy to kick a sick dog for – nope, worthless to most men. There’s no time or place or situation where a woman can give a better handjob to a man than he can give to himself. As Bertrand Russell pointed out about the existence of the universe, this is simply a “brute fact”: men prefer wanking themselves off because they are better at it than any woman. It’s probably the only thing we have left at this point.

So when handjobs happen, we wince, we watch, we’re thankful and grateful but ultimately unfulfilled. We’d rather you did something we really can’t do: the blowjob.

Consider the BJ. Consider the yards, the miles, the libraries of books you could muster, all tenderly and movingly praising the blowjob. The Kama Sutra is basically a blowjob manual. Sigmund Freud, in his office in Vienna looking at Da Vinci’s notebooks. Two geniuses separated by the centuries. What cord binds them? Blowjobs – Freud detects in one passage a liking for that “which in respectable society is considered a loathsome perversion” – our man Leo wasn’t writing about handjobs, that’s for sure.

I think the most respectful and poignant tribute yet paid to the blowjob is that made by Fifty Cent on 2005’s Candy Shop:

Clearly, judging by that last line, Fiddy is as sick of the masquerade as the rest of us are.

I can’t imagine women particularly like handing them out either. Handjobs are boring, mechanical, half-assed things, underscored by the fear of accidentally ripping someone’s foreskin off. Nobody out there would move heaven and earth for a handjob. Nobody asks for Netflix and chill thinking of getting a handjob twenty minutes into an episode of Narcos. There are no gushing symphonies dedicated to the handjob. Nobody would have cared if Bill Clinton had been given a handjob in the Oval Office.

There are many things men need help with but handjobs aren’t one of them.