We visited the worst Tesco in the country

It’s actually really incredible – in a meta way


Back in 2013, disgruntled shopper James Allan had had enough. He’d reached his limit. He was ready to crack.

He set up a blog.

His aim? To document the continual failings of his local Tesco Express in East London. On his blog, James exposed crates left in the middle of aisles, empty shelves and an obituary to missing ice cream.

In response to the worryingly regular updates of the shop’s failings, a Tesco spokesperson said: “We are aware of the blog and agree this store has not met our high standards. We are working with the store to make sure we offer the best possible service for our customers.” 

Two years on, it was time for a little bit of “then” and “now” to see whether Haggerston’s Tesco Express has had the promised makeover. It was impressive. We were fans.

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Dismaland

Corporate policy may dictate that storage cages be kept in the back or with a member of staff when on the shop floor but this Tesco feels differently. In the face of corporate tax avoidance, managers at this shop are seeking greater transparency with their customers.

They encourage scrutiny of their process. The inconvenience of dodging rolling towers of metal is a metaphor for the dangers of the corporate world. 

The fun continued inside

The fun continued inside

Getting to the root of the situation

Getting to the root of the situation

It was a land awash with broken root vegetables. Shattered mooli (some sort of weird vegetable, your guess is as good as any) littered the shop like broken limbs. Chaos reigned in the fruit and veg aisle.

A sordid mix of nutrition

A sordid mix of nutrition

Clearly, Tesco wished to fight for the right to self-determination. Let fruit and veg be fruit and veg. Who are we to judge?

Let them mix it up and chill together in a box. Do they care whether you can find the carrots? No, but who are you to enforce your prejudices on where they should be stacked?

Are they the right product? They’re right for themselves

Are they the right product? They’re right for themselves

And while Tesco are thoroughly bringing down the patriarchy, they decided to do away with that filthy cornerstone of big business – money.

How much does the rigatoni COST? Don’t be such a Tory

How much does the rigatoni COST? Don’t be such a Tory

Inspired no doubt by Karl Marx, the capitalist machine was being destroyed. Perhaps, they were promoting Cameron’s Big Society and had become a food bank? All that was certain was if you wanted to know the price of something – that was just too bad.

And too bad to those out there trying to keep the world overly clean. Stop urbanisation, embrace the natural world, allow Mother Nature a chance. They were doing just that by letting their chicken roam free. 

Like ‘Jurassic Park’, life finds a way

Like ‘Jurassic Park’, life finds a way

In response to the vast amounts of food waste thrown away by supermarkets daily, this particular shop is fighting back. Food will not be thrown away. No, sir. It will sit on that shelf until it’s eaten. Mould be damned. It’ll improve your immune system. You’re welcome.

We went on the 26th, if you want an eggsact date

This paté will be there till it’'s até up

This paté will be there till it’’s até up

And you’ll eat it, make no mistake about that. Because there’s simply nothing else. Want choice and variety? Go somewhere else. This Tesco is all about calorie restriction, fasting and green living.

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It’s fine. This is fine

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You eat too much anyway

One customer told us: “We witnessed an amazing fight here. We turned up for some lunch and the doors were locked and the staff were having a full on fist fight with some shoplifters.”

Further evidence this is the best Tesco in the country. Upholding the common good. Punishing the wicked. Standing up for what’s right.

Off with the Justice League

Off with the Justice League

Was there a member of staff to serve us at the checkout? No, they were probably off fighting more bad guys. When told that the Tesco had been declared the worst in the country, the customer said: “It still is.”

Maybe he just didn’t get the avant garde vibe this Tesco was going for?