It’s our first pull, why are you sticking your tongue down my throat?

If I don’t know your name, I don’t want to know your saliva

Why do you frequently insist on sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat, just because you’re in a club?

Going out is probably one of the easiest ways to pull, if not a bit daunting. You let loose, have a cheeky kiss with a stranger, and it is all fun and games until you find yourself locking lips with a sexual predator who is shoving their tongue down your throat. Probably the only thing more disappointing than a third is getting with someone whose mouth is wetter than Tidal Wave at Thorpe park.

It’s normally the newbies, the ones fresh from the nest seen nursing a low alcohol content beverage, to heighten their “approachable and emotional” facade, as a charade to lure innocent drunken horny clubbers into their Dinosaur print bedsheets.

Don’t underestimate these predators standing on the edge of the dance floor, wearing Hollister or something equally hideous that was picked out by their overbearing mother. Don’t let their sensitive and sweet exterior fool you their lack of experience will guarantee you soggy snog.

After experiencing the trauma of washing machine syndrome, it’s enough to make you want to waste £2 on a disposable toothbrush. Luckily if you’re at a house night, you could just ask a Philosophy student for some gum.


You’re not just increasing the risk of bacterial infections but your make up will stand no chance of surviving an attack like this. Say bye bye to fake tan and foundation along with all hope of finding an eligible bachelor who doesn’t have a mouth malfunction. And you can wave farewell to your lipstick – Rimmel was not cut out for this.

It’s the ones who you have no idea who they are or where they came from.

It’s likely to be a local hooligan who’s managed to sneak off their shift at the garage and into the student night – avoid like the plague. They’ve arrived fresh of the back streets of the local town and found their way into the depths of student life, the foreign species of the “local folk” will bring in saliva from places your tonsils never even imagined.

Regardless where they’re from, you could be enjoying their soft lips while they stroke the back of your head, and then it hits you. Like a half inflated condom covered in sweat, it writhes around your gums and tries to have to have a wrestling match with your tongue within the walls of your mouth.

Get out of there

Get out of there

You retract, but it doesn’t help. They’re in, they’re not leaving, you can taste their dinner and the shots they’ve been slamming.

In the worst cases the sports boys who’ve been drinking since the final whistle have taken your fancy. Chad, Brad or Darren is so pissed out of his tree they don’t notice their dribble before you’ve even locked lips.

Their inebriated state results in backpacking after the hottest girl, leaving a trail of drool so that they can retrace their steps back to the bar. These toned torso’s may seem like a catch, but when they’re too drunk to remember their own name, they won’t remember not to smother you in slobber.

Why is your shirt off?

Why is your shirt off?

And it’s not just the boys who are guilty, girls can be just as bad. It doesn’t matter if you’re about to have sex, too much tongue is game over.

Girls can be guilty of this snogging sin too. It’s likely to be the gap year ones, they probably want to practise their french kissing to remind themselves how they found themselves while inter-railing Europe.

These girls claim they want to find a nice guy, which is just an excuse for trying to lick the tonsils of every bloke they see on their eternal search for the one.

Nom nom nom

Nom nom nom

So next time you are involved in a romantic entanglement, please refrain from trying to reach your lovers tonsils. Nobody wants to carry around a hand towel in their clutch bag. If I don’t know your name, I don’t want to know your tongue.