There’s nothing shocking about the cocaine cityboy on the tube

The only surprise is how his parents splashed £30k on public school but he only went to UWE


There’s a rabid animal roaming around London’s Underground, grimly flashing all his excess and offering out cocaine to strangers like a hungry wolf building his pack. 

Or at least that’s what the papers would have you believe if you’ve read anything about Tom “gak on the tube” Osborne, who was filmed happily snorting away to his heart’s content on public transport this week.

Your mates repeatedly warn you coke is the “wrong vibe” for their rooftop-cum-basement showdown, but it’s the definitive lifeblood of cityboys and the fuel churning our country’s financial sector –– where most of us aspire to work after graduation.


In love with the coco: The UWE grad gets stuck in on the tube

This is obviously nothing new. We heard the rumours from the creepy seminar mature student, wised up big brothers and everybody saw Wolf on Wall Street when it came out. Some even took notes.

But the reason the UK is doing it’s collective nut is because this pound-a-pint Tony Montana just got caught doing the hokey cokey outside of the usual grubby office toilet environment.

“I’m not trying to be a dick, I just like taking it” the poor lad cries in The Sun’s video –– and we should believe him.

A recent graduate from the University of West England, Bristol’s arty poly, toerag Tom travelling southbound on the Northern Line, probably to Clapham, at 11pm when his naughty little stunt was captured.

The sales exec –– or should we say soon to be former sales exec –– was most likely on his way home from after work drinks and fancied a little pick-me-up treat.


He’s not the wolf of London, he’s just a naughty boy

The only real shock here is that his parents forked out a staggering £30,000 a year for his public school education at the exclusive Eastbourne College and he only made it to the dizzy heights of UWE.

He was probably introduced to new pal Charlie for the first time down in Bristol, one of the UK drug capitals, thought it was a bit of all right and fancied a job where he could make a career of huffing the stuff.

Tom clawed his way out of the cess pit of poly life and bagged himself a job. A real job in London where he got to wear a suit.

“This is no playground boys, If you want to do a line and fucking play, you do it” he snarls on camera, revealing some of the true grit and rehashed lines from Jordan Belfort he used to get to the top.

We’re not buying it Tom. You’re an overly-impressionable recent grad who got a bit too influenced by Wolf on Wall Street and brutal grad scheme initiations. You’re a parody of yourself. If this was part of his induction into a finance company, it’s a lot less worse than chugging piss.


This brings a whole new meaning to lines on the underground

If he’d only done it a bit more subtly, wafting coke up his nasal passages under his jacket or inside one of Elephant and Castle’s dirty hidden orifices, we wouldn’t care. Maybe Tom just wanted to share his powdered gift with the world.

“Guys if you want a gummy, there’s some on the floor”, he kindly offers.

If an earth-shatteringly expensive public school taught Tom anything, it was how to be generous and share his high-grade toys with others. This is his playground after all.


Happier times? Tom’s LinkedIn photo taken back when his job prospects were good

Cash rules everything around him, yet he’s choosing to travel alongside us, the common people. Free cocaine? Go on then.

The video shows Tom trying to dish out his wares before sliding on his best Danny Dyer impression: “You’re not a cop are you?

But what happened was much, much worse. Young cityboy Tom became the zoo animal scourge of the middle class.

He’s everything your parents lie awake at night fearing you might become once you graduate and migrate to the capital.

So if you become a bit of a Tom, just make sure you get your powder kicks behind closed doors.

He’s not a dick. He just likes taking it.