Fittest uni in the country: The final

Please keep judging them on their physical appearance


You voted in your thousands, and over 60 universities has been whittled down to just four. Decide who’s the fittest of the fittest, and who comes out on top.

Group one – Leeds

Leeds sailed through as Group One winner, with 988 votes, over 17 per cent of the overall vote. And it’s not hard to see why.

Look through their club photos and it’s easy to see that Leeds is not only the best night out in the country, but also a cornucopia of beautiful people. Nestled in the North, they’re a gang of privately educated, Southern, floppy haired fitties, but they manage to be less disappointingly bland about it than places like Bristol, Durham or Newcastle. You’ll fall for their vibes and stay up until 4am, chewing each other’s jaws and talking about their inevitable year abroad. Your love will deepen in the romantic setting of candlelit dinners at Get Baked and slow dances at Fruity. You’ll spend your summers in the home counties, where they ditch their wavy garms and sheepishly introduce you to their mummies.



Runner up: Showing the most beautiful aren’t always literally the fittest was shamed runner up Loughborough, who racked up 722 votes, a dece 12 per cent of the overall vote.

Last place: Poor John Moores were shamed not only by Liverpool uni, but every other uni in their group. The paltry poly managed only 141 votes, a miserable 2 per cent.

Group two – Cambridge

Yeah, us neither. Somehow Cambridge defied all the odds to rise to victory in group two. Their aesthetic quality earned them a massive 859 votes, over a quarter of the overall votes.

Like their university rankings and the number of daylight hours they see, Cambridge enjoys a league of their own when it comes to fitness. Being attractive isn’t big hair and high heels, it’s hand-me-down cardigans, clumpy brown shoes and second hand bicycles riding off to the faculty library. Fours in the outside world become sevens in Cambridge, sevens turn into tens — the bar is lowered when everyone has to wear a gown and spend the whole day in the library. Hotties here are FFC, Fit For Cambridge. College rules forbid walking on the grass, eating swan unless you’re at St Johns and having sex in any position but missionary.


Runner up: Cocky Sexeter were forced to swallow second place, earning almost half the votes of Cambridge. They managed only 472 votes, just under 14 per cent of the overall result. One disgruntled grad complained: “Do people actually think there are more sexually enticing creatures at Cambridge than Exeter? Sure they’re smarter, but fitter? The whole uni has a collective white blood cell count of like four.”

Last place: In a surprise to no one, Lancaster brings up the rear with a dismal 61 votes – that’s not even two percent.

Group three – Newcastle

Northern powerhouse Newcastle beat off all competition, smashing their uppity poly Northumbria in the process and winning with nearly 600 votes, over 26 per cent overall.

Imagine all of the things you want city centre clubbing to be when you’re fifteen and then imagine the girls in that fantasy. Leggy blondes in the tightest bodycon dresses, sky high heels, hair extensions in tight curls and a shit ton of foundation. Underneath the lashes, Newcastle girls are a friendly bunch. Hire out a leather seated booth and they’re all yours. Buy them a few trebles and you could be in with a good chance of tashin’ on. But be careful – they’re strangely obsessed with the males of Geordie shore and their “hype” clad entourage. And trust us, they are everywhere.


Runner up: Slightly further down in the beauty stakes and North/South divide, Sheffield come a decent second place, with 306 votes and nearly 14 per cent of the overall result.

Last place: Birmingham didn’t win, but they certainly didn’t do as badly as Aston, who only managed a dismal 37 votes, less than two per cent overall.

Group four – UCLan

Shock winners UCLan sailed into the final with over 20 per cent of the overall vote. Nearly 250 people votes for the Northerners with the best clubbing photos in the country.

Twirling around the pole of a Liquid Envy Nightclub is a girl with hair so red, even she doesn’t know what her natural colour is any more. Her lace body shows her neon belly bar, smooth black push up bra and if you’re lucky a glimpse of her g-string. Her eyes say “give it me” as she drinks a blue WKD through a straw. She’s bouncing to the sounds of Wigan Pier as the DJ puts a fucking donk on it. The only thing the NW lads fancy more than the girls is a scrap. These are proper blokes: carpenters, welders, plumbers with lines shaved into their eyebrows and a YOLO attitude. If you like your men a mixture of Tom Hardy and Peter Kay, look no further than Preston’s Wetherspoons at around two in the afternoon.


Runner up: Down South got in on the action too, as Kings College London nabbed 204 votes 17.36 per cent of the overall vote.

Last place: Despite producing saucy author EL James, frigid Kent got just 96 votes, which works out at a paltry eight per cent.