The final group: Judge these unis on how attractive they are

It’s the last heat, and things are hotting up. This is your last chance to make a difference to the lives of fitties across the country, in beauty powerhouse unis like Kent and Imperial. Don’t waste your chance.

Kent

2010 was a good year wasn’t it? Papa Americano blared all summer, Rihanna dyed her hair red. If this was your year, these are your babes. Kent Uni is like Pontins – everyone’s stuck at 17 and the boys will do anything to snog more than one of them in one night. Imagine a school disco where 1D are in sports ties, getting off with everyone’s younger sisters – that’s every Wednesday night at The Venue. The esteemed rugby team haven’t got the bods, don’t have any real sporting accolades and they still say “banter” but it’s all quite endearing. You’d be forgiven for thinking the girls look a bit frigid, with their straightened hair and ballet pumps. But a few vodka redbulls in and off you go together, into one of the Garden of England’s finest hilly fields.

Famous alumni: Kent lucked out – not only did Ellie Goulding go there, they also had E L James, author of 50 Shades of Grey. Always the quiet ones.

Kings

The one thing unifying the two different edgy and sporty crowds at King’s is that neither are capable of looking you in the eye. You’ll never catch the gaze of the edgy lot because their noses are buried in the beginner’s guide to Sartre they’re pretending to read. And you just try seeing anything behind the jäger-glazed eyeballs of the sporty boys in Walkabout on Wednesday. But oh, isn’t there something a little bit sexy about their sprinkler dance when the Baywatch song comes on and the shirts come off. Yum.

Famous alumni: Boasting a massive 12 Nobel Laureates, King’s also has Desmond Tutu, who’s an all-round cutie apart from the fact that his name is terrifying rhyming slang for your unimpressive future.

Cardiff

Cardiff is home to the second sexiest accent, The Valleys and surely the highest number of glamour models per capita in the UK. When you think of Wales you think girl next door – pretty, blonde, perhaps she’s wearing a chequered shirt tied up like a cowgirl. Unfortunately a night out in the town centre will destroy any perceptions of innocence you ever had. Dancefloors are filled with peck-hugging V necks and dresses to rival gypsy weddings. Welsh babes are tacky, unashamedly Boohoo, and really in your face, but that’s what makes them so fit. They are what they are.

Famous alumni: Flirty presenters Susanna Reid and Adrian Chiles, and a ridiculous amount of rugby players.

Strathclyde

Far more down to earth than their snootier rivals at Glasgow, Strathy hunks and babes stick to party dresses and jeans — not a pair of red chinos in sight. Fuelled by fish bowls from the West End and the chance of a fight, for a whirlwind romance you should watch out for the stunners of Strathclyde. This is the only places in the world to plan their outfits not by reading the weather but listening to the shipping forecast.

Famous alumni: Jim McColl – that’s Scotland’s richest man, worth an estimated £1 billion – went there. So not only are they fit, they got money too.

UCLan

Twirling around the pole of a Liquid Envy Nightclub is a girl with hair so red, even she doesn’t know what her natural colour is any more. Her lace body shows her neon belly bar, smooth black push up bra and if you’re lucky a glimpse of her g-string. Her eyes say “give it me” as she drinks a blue WKD through a straw. She’s bouncing to the sounds of Wigan Pier as the DJ puts a fucking donk on it. The only thing the NW lads fancy more than the girls is a scrap. These are proper blokes: carpenters, welders, plumbers with lines shaved into their eyebrows and a YOLO attitude. If you like your men a mixture of Tom Hardy and Peter Kay, look no further than Preston’s Wetherspoons at around two in the afternoon.

Famous alumni: Handsome TV presenter John Stapleton, and Polly Billington, who’s a special adviser to Ed Miliband and therefore fit by association.

Imperial

Imperial fitties, you have stolen my heart away with your practical shoes, fuzzy upper lips and adenoidal breathing. You are masters of the universe and have lit my magnesium ribbon with your fiery bunsen burner. Constantly playing hard to get, trying to fob me off with “Sorry I can’t tonight, I have labs” or “I’ve never been on a date before” — I’ll always wait for you. I dream of the day you ask me “I’m hosting a LAN party at mine tonight, some friends from Fluid Mechanics are coming over to go old school on Halo 2. Come along, but bring your own controller.” I swoon for you.

Famous alumni: Lots of fairly boring Nobel Prize winners, and bizarrely, Brian May who was in Queen and has lovely hair.

Sussex

Looking this good on the beach is a breeze and everyone knows Sussex does it brighter than the best. They’ve even got fitter MPs than you, having re-elected Green goddess Caroline Lucas. Not just an LGBT paradise, they’ve also won the award of druggiest uni in the south and can even compete with the Northern powerhouses as top narco swallowers – if that’s what you’re into,

Famous alumni: Apparently Sussex have a great sense of humour and definitely don’t take themselves too seriously – comedians Bob Mortimer and Frankie Boyle went there.

Leicester

They say if you’ve got it, flaunt it, and Leicester definitely knows what makes it so fit. It’s not the skinny ties in Lets Disko and it’s not the identical checked shirts from Target in Shabang. It’s not even the sultry Midlands drawl asking if I’d like another VK — but all of these are very hot attributes. What’s really sexy is knowing that Richard III’s skeleton was dug up in a local car park and is now interred in Leicester Cathedral. You can have me.

Famous alumni: Jon Tickle, who was in Big Brother and isn’t that exciting – but also, technically, Richard III.