It’s back: Who’s the most beautiful uni out of this lot?
Probably not Cambridge
Heat one has been and gone, along with your choice to choose the most beautiful uni from Plymouth to Liverpool, Durham to LSE.
Make a difference in this group instead, and help us to definitively rank the fittest university in the country.
This could be the most important decision you ever make – think carefully.
No, we don’t sleep with our siblings. No, we’re not farmers. No, we don’t think dirty talk should centre on the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre. Why? Because we’re not actually from here. This already makes us the fittest people in the entire county, but there’s no reason not to extend that to the whole of the UK too. From Matt Smith to Greg James, our alumni page reads like a veritable list of top totty – we’re even responsible for the fittest UKIP MP in history: Douglas Carswell.
Famous alumni: Aside from veritable hotties Dougie Carswell and Greg James, UEA have also produced Dr Who actor Matt Smith. It bears repeating – hubba hubba.
There are two types of fittie at Stirling. The first, and arguably the best, is the Adonis/Adonia of campus: the athlete. When you’re too busy focusing on how good we are at sport, and how good we look in team stash, you won’t even notice the fact most of us are Scottish. The second type of fittie may lack this physical perfection, but their ardent political streak means you won’t be lacking for passion between the sheets. If you spent the General Election wishing you could give Sturgeon your vote, this is as close as you’ll come.
Famous alumni: Okay, so technically he’s an honorary PhD, but they do have Andy Murray, who’s a sporty fitty in surly Scottish kind of way.
Let’s be honest: if we somehow manage to lose this contest it’s only going to be because we were too apathetic to even vote. Because when we’re not grinding gum between our teeth at 128 chews per minute, looking good comes as easy to us as a ticket to Outlook. Unlike other unis, we don’t need to push body parts up and out or restrict the blood flow with figure-hugging outfits to shine, we can get you into bed with just a baggy sweater and a prominent facial piercing. And if all else fails, we’ll dress like posh kids and go to Pam Pams.
Famous alumni: Gorgeous duo Matt Lucas and David Walliams went to Bristol, along with sensitive musician James Blunt.
There’s not a lot going on in Lincoln, so they are perfect relationship material. Although they don’t think very highly of themselves, these bashful kind-of-Northerners will more than happily sit on the canal and feed Deathroy the goose (or the swans) with you. Take a romantic date with them to Tower Bar and bond over hatred of the locals. Sure, the boys aren’t very tall, the sports aren’t very good, and the nightlife isn’t very wild, but what you lack in excitement in a Lincoln tryst you’ll make up for in committment. You’re going to have to – it’s ages away on the train.
Famous alumni: Poor old Lincoln don’t have many, but there is a guy called Jack Howard, who is apparently a bit famous on Youtube.
They’re nestled so far away in the Lancashire countryside you hope they must be worth the trek for, and when you get up there you won’t be disappointed. Smoulder with hatred over your somehow really important rival college, and relish your accomplished walk of shame all the way back home from Cartmel. Deliciously Northern with an international flair, Lancaster fitties are worth the trip to Sugarhouse for. Commiserate on their York Roses loss over a bottle of red with them, and snuggle up as they sob into your shoulder. And you know they’re always good to smoke some Spice with once the spark goes out of your love affair.
Famous alumni: Ex-Pendlite and Top Gear presenter James May, who has an absolutely cracking head of hair.
All the family connections of a Durham student, but with the hedonistic poly-not-a-cunt attitude of Trent, you can’t go wrong with an Oxford Brookes student. Shagging them means coming back to Cowley, home of brothels, and not the hallowed halls of their stuffy college. Observe their kind from afar at MNB, all high cheekbones and siggie rings and a chip on their shoulder about their A Levels which you can comfort them over.
Famous alumni: Eligible royalty Prince Azim of Brunei went there, as well as Marc Hudson who was in a metal band called Dragon Force which you may remember from puberty.
For a UCL student, the attraction is all in their attitude. There’s a strange persona to people who go to uni in London – ballsy and superior, they’ll look deep into your eyes and tell you about the severe delays on the Northern Line before reminding you theirs is one of the toughest unis to get into in the country. Somehow, they manage to combine a fierce, SU loving pedantic idealism with two trips to XOYO a week. Let your eyes meet in at a shit house party over some bad pingers and feel the connection that comes with a 45 minute night bus home to their grotty halls in Camden. The metropolis can only bring you closer together. And they know it all so well. Bathe in their smug sensuality.
Famous alumni: No biggie, just Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, and Mahatma-fucking-Ghandi. As well as that rapper who was on Big Brother.
Money makes the world go round and it makes everyone more attractive too. Money is power, so is unbrushed long blonde hair and sweeping over your grandma’s waxed Barbour and the shorts and flip flop combo in the winter months. Their houses are heated to a balmy 35 degrees and they wander round topless in their Calvin Klein underwear while you freeze in your damp crib in the North. The elite of sport who actually know how to have fun pie off Loughborough, and flock to this mecca on the coast, where uni is exactly how you dreamt of during your A Levels.
Famous alumni: Fittingly, Exeter has plenty of blonde bombshell alumni, including J K Rowling and Katie Hopkins.
Why can’t you go and chat up your library bae? Because it’s intimidating. But not in Nottingham. No one is intimidating here, it’s all just very nice and reserved. Nothing too wild, nothing too dull, the Goldilocks of the Russell Group. Everyone works hard but plays just as hard, being careful not to play too hard for fear of thinking they should’ve gone to Leeds. It’s a mixture of what makes every other uni fit. It’s every aspect of everywhere else, in bitesize form, as manageable as the GCSE science textbooks. It’s vibesy, sporty, academic, rich, druggy , boozey. It’s every other town’s twin born thirty seconds later.
Famous alumni: BBC weather presenter Helen Willetts, as well as Tim Martin, who only went and founded Wetherspoons.
Much like the most of the North, the people of Manchester are distinctly average. It’s a city full Becky’s, Abi’s and Ben’s. This wayward bunch are from “just outside London”, but give them a year in Fallowfield and watch their aura change. Soon they’ve got these eyes that scream “come into my basement”, lips that say “can I borrow your lighter” and a torso that was made for an American Apparel leotard. A girl with long blonde hair dancing on someone’s shoulders, losing herself in the music. A boy with a tshirt so baggy you can’t help but wonder what’s underneath. Welcome to Madchester, we make grunge really fucking sexy.
Famous alumni: A massive 25 Nobel prize winners, so they’re sexy and smart. Plus they have pointy faced witchy gentleman Benedict Cumberbatch to boast about.
Wrong in the right way is how you could describe Northumbria’s hot credentials. Newcastle may treat you prim and proper like, but Northumbria will show you the best time. Blonde hockey babes in stash hoodies leave you breathless, flaunting all the sexy appeal of an interesting gap year stunner without the rah attitude. Be warned about the lack of dishy blokes because there’s not much man candy.
Famous alumni: It’s thin on the ground at Northumbria, but they do have a fitness expert called Paul Winsper, which is dangerously close to whisper isn’t it? Sensual.
Like their university rankings and the number of daylight hours they see, Cambridge enjoys a league of their own when it comes to fitness. Being attractive isn’t big hair and high heels, it’s hand-me-down cardigans, clumpy brown shoes and second hand bicycles riding off to the faculty library. Fours in the outside world become sevens in Cambridge, sevens turn into tens — the bar is lowered when everyone has to wear a gown and spend the whole day in the library. Hotties here are FFC, Fit For Cambridge. College rules forbid walking on the grass, eating swan unless you’re at St Johns and having sex in any position but missionary.
Famous alumni: Where do we even begin? Stephen Hawking, Charles Darwin, Sigmund Freud – clever and fit.