Gotcha! Here are all of The Tab’s April Fools from up and down the country
Did you know the word ‘gullible’ isn’t in the dictionary?
Vice Chancellor Sir Ian Diamond rarely has his snout out of the trough. Last year he spent nearly £60,000 on first and business class flights and around £27,000 on swanky hotels. So naturally Beth Godfrey decided he should spend the 1st of April donating the same amount to animal charities. Cute.
Out in West Wales, they love their wild nights out. Our team there fabricated a 1am curfew, a prospect which chilled the blood of Aberystwyth students. Fear not Aber – the local killjoys aren’t coming for you yet.
Bath’s campus is almost as densely populated with ducks as it is with sport scientists. We said all the ducks were being deported after one bit a fresher. They aren’t. Besides, don’t ducks peck rather than bite anyway?
People at Brum have a weird obsession with their campus clock Old Joe. Naturally they were horrified when we said it was undergoing restoration work and would have its faces removed for most of the year. We even mocked up what it would look like – and you bought it.
Freshers who catch the 16 bus from Stoke Bishop down into town centres were stunned when we told them they’d be breathalysed before riding it. The prospect of a sober ride to the clubs in town is an unsavoury one. Thank God it’s not true.
Croeso i’r Prifysgol Caerdydd – compulsory modules are a ballache for anyone, but being forced to study Welsh at Cardiff would be a real nightmare. Luckily it’s not a fate which awaits all Welsh students as we said earlier – we were pulling your leg.
Our Cambridge team fooled a few people by claiming the bleeding heart Lib Dem MP wanted to change the name of Churchill College because he considers it “conservative”. Calm down – it’s staying as it is.
Student drinking culture in Durham has been under a lot of scrutiny from the police and the local community. When we pretended uni bosses had decided not to renew the licenses of all the college bars bar one, a lot of people really kicked off. We’re happy to say they’re staying open – shout out to Alydia and Sophie for these huge nibbles though.
Edinburgh’s student association has gained national notoriety in the past for declaring itself a feminist and being the first SU to ban Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” (remember Blurred Lines?). Therefore a lot of people bought our Edinburgh team’s story about the renovation of the SU building involving the creation of an “actual safe space”, a “a glass cube, which will only be accessible to those designated sufficiently offended after completing an exhaustive test.” Thankfully this is bullshit.
Our most popular April Fool by a mile, Exeter took to the idea of alumna JK Rowling being named their new Chancellor like wildfire. It’s not true – but it should be. 3,800 people have shared it so far. This kid even said he’d go to uni if it was real.
I've changed my mind about going to uni http://t.co/zCA9EPONOZ
— JackHumphriesMagic (@JaakMonkey) April 1, 2015
North of the border, our wind-up merchants at Glasgow picked on their ex-poly rival Strathclyde, declaring they’d topped a poll for academic excellence. Rachel McCallion foregrounded how special mention went to the “Art and Design department for teaching their students how to use crayons and glitter.” Surely you didn’t buy it?
Sports legends at Hull were gutted to find our story about circling being unbanned was made up. It’s not back. We’re sorry.
King’s College London
Earlier this year, King’s College London said they were going to drop the “college” from their name. Everyone protested – and the uni quickly u-turned. Our King’s team said they then u-turned on the u-turn. “Kieran Brocken” in our comments wasn’t sure what to believe.
Ket heads in West Yorkshire were rubbing their hands with glee when we said ketamine was back. And it was blue. We can now reveal this isn’t the case – don’t put any of this stuff in your nose, we don’t know what it is.
Of course Leeds Beckett won’t be offering a course teaching “Lad Studies”. Let’s be honest – no-one there needs lessons, do they?
Another April Fool we wish was true – our Leicester team told everyone how Eastenders’ Ian Beale was set to DJ the last night at legendary club night Red Leicester. If someone with the power to make this happen reads this – do the right thing and book him.
Huge nibbles up on Merseyside – our Liverpool team told everyone how the Guild were giving out £10 in free printing credits if they emailed the Guild President. The outcome? Well…
— LiverpoolGuild (@LiverpoolGuild) April 1, 2015
Hodor? The gym nuts at Loughborough were baffled when we told them how not only would their end of year ball be Game of Thrones-themed, but Northern Irish house heavyweight Kristian Nairn (aka Hodor) would be headlining. Lay down your steel – it’s not happening.
The workaholics at LSE were panic-stricken when Zara Ash told them their library would no longer be open 24 hours a day. No need to get a life just yet – the first is still within your reach and the doors will stay open all hours.
After being debated in the House of Commons earlier this year, it only seemed right for us to give Manchester a verdict: Fallowfield house parties must have a maximum of 10 attendees. Don’t trim your guestlist just yet though – we made it up. Sorry.
Bella Eckert’s Newcastle April Fool was dubbed “cruel and unusual” by the Mirror (we’ve met her, they’re right). In September and October we gave out 25,000 condoms across the UK – and Bella decided to tell everyone they don’t work properly. Lovely girl.
Hit them where it hurts – Richard Duggan told Northumbria how after a particularly boozy St Patrick’s Day on campus, union apparatchniks were introducing Orwellian alcohol restrictions. You don’t have to present your student card if you want to buy booze before 6pm – hopefully some of you tried it though.
The attention-to-detail in the Notts gag is remarkable, if we say so ourselves. Saying nightclub honcho Andy Hoe was receiving an honorary degree, mocking up a “doctor of entertainment” certificate and getting the man himself to pose with it is certainly some feat. Top marks.
Like Aberdeen, Trent opted to send up their greedy vice-chancellor. Neil Gorman, who earns a whopping £623,000 a year is the highest paid VC in the country – so why wouldn’t he put £15,000 of it behind the City SU bar for the last night of the term? Go on Neil – shell out for the kids, they’ve earned it.
Down in Oxford, our team continued the honorary degree theme. After lecturing there earlier in the term, it seemed a logical next step to say Kanye West was set to receive a formal honour from the country’s oldest uni. Shakeel Hashim’s piece came complete with this very believable Photoshop of Yeezy and Vice Chancellor Andrew Hamilton.
Brookes have been enthusiastically celebrating their 150th anniversary all year – so imagine the horror if they got the date wrong. Our Brookes team claimed bungling uni officials had jumped the gun and started the celebrations a year early. Fortunately it’s not true – people at Brookes can actually count apparently.
Lots of lads in the McClay Library at Queen’s rep their county by wearing a GAA top. Don’t worry fellas – they haven’t been banned, you can rock whatever threads you choose.
A post-night out Balti King is a staple of any trip to Sheffield. So when we announced the curry giant would be changing its name to Balti Monarch after protests from feminists, a number of people got really riled up. Including someone posting under the pseudonym of Green Party leader Natalie Bennett.
Our sadist sistas at The Soton Tab really turned the screws on their audience – by announcing the uni’s plan to introduce 8am lectures. Don’t fret Southampton – you can sleep easy knowing they’re fibbing.
Cheeky Brett Borthwick gleefully told us how Stirling Uni have clamped down on porn usage on their WiFi. You can still access your faves Pornhub, Xtube and “grannyporn.com” if you desire – Brett was winding you up.
At Glasgow Uni, most people like Viper. At Strathclyde they can’t stand it. Naturally Abi Watt decided a Strathy-only club night at the venue would go down well with her readers. We assure you – Tech-y Tuesdays is not a thing.
Lately, Sussex SU have canned a Beyoncé debate because it was “racist”, stopped their rugby boys’ diversity campaign for “misappropriating” another type of campaign and u-turned on their initial decision to not ratify a UKIP society. As a hotbed of such wetfuckery, it only seemed right to pretend the NUS were piloting a “total silence on campus” scheme there – because some people complained about speech being triggering. Scarily plausible.
We’re really, really sorry about this one. Unfortunately, the U1 bus from Warwick campus to Leamington will not be free for all of third term. A strong contender for angriest answer of the day here.
A lot of people had a gander at York’s April Fool, where Kate Dye duped her readers into thinking a pagan sect were sacrificing the geese which populate York campus. The geese aren’t going to be moved off campus, they’re staying where they are, and pagans aren’t turning them into foie gras. People believe anything these days.