Why are you still smoking weed at uni?

You finished your GCSEs almost three years ago, stopped wearing checked shirts a year ago, and found your sheltered suburban townhouse deeply claustrophobic over the Christmas.

So why are you still smoking weed?

What’s the point? Why do you need to spend £20 on something that makes you eat unhealthily, feel lazy and think you’re a genius when really you’re spouting nonsense.

Just because I want to relax doesn’t mean I don’t want to engage my brain to a certain extent. Sitting through episode after episode of Archer on Netflix still requires some thought if it’s to have any purpose. If I want to shut down completely, I’ll sleep.

Weed is the puerile herb you toked on by the pond when you were 15. You scored off older siblings, rushed off to the park with your mates and rolled up a bifta.

It was great then, washed down with a bottle of lambrini while your best mate got some finger fun on the slide. But now you’re grown up. You’ve done A-levels for God’s sake. Are you scared of K? Or is talking to your friend’s parents not as hard for you as it is me?

If its the high I’m looking for, I’m not buying the hindu kush. I’ll stick to the ten pound 200 mg pill thanks. They’re just £10 a pop and at least when I’m talking shit I won’t think I’m a genius. I know I’m a blabbering mess, spilling out emotion to every person like it’s Armageddon.

Past the age of 19, you don’t want to be sluggish, lazy and bored of your life. You can sit in that sofa all day watching rubbish and playing Call of Duty till you sober up, but what will you accomplish? You’ve nailed every Africa repeat but have you absorbed anything? Of course not.

Just another time to relay to your other stoner pals how those giraffes looked so jokes but you just couldn’t make any sense of it because that dank chronic had taken hold.

In the age of CV boosting, who cares what genius idea you and your best friend came up with to sell honey in the far eastern corners of Cumbria? Your logo might be savage, but have you thought of the amount of hives you’ll need, the equipment, and for the fuck’s sake the bees as well? Let’s be realistic.

You’re not inventing the next best thing. You’re talking shit. Any fly on the wall could tell you that, or at least anyone not baked off their tits.

You should’ve moved past it when you left sixth form, and if the deterrent of a petulant hall warden banging on your door and removing the condom from the smoke alarm isn’t enough, the people who think weed is cool should be.

Weed is no longer as illegal as it used to be. If anything, it’s legit among top brass of politics and worthy self important celebrities and people of influence.

Obama, Jacqui Smith and even David Cameron attempt to curry young votes by confessing to smoking the ganj in their teens, but heaven forbid they did it more than once. It made their lungs hurt.

It was an accidental by-product of when you were less well formed and confident. Leave it behind and fondly regret it like you do most facets of your lesser year.