The ultimate guide to getting served at the bar if you’re a bloke

You’re out and you’re gasping for a drink. You’ve been stood at the bar for an unholy amount of time and you can feel your predrinks intoxication wearing thin.

Not only have you been waiting at the bar forever, but you keep being brushed by some over indulgent females and Snapback wankers who just keep getting served before you.

Why does this injustice exist? Why are nights out plagued by not being served first because you don’t have boobs?

Half the task is getting to the bar in the first place: busy nights often pose the challenge of battling through a few rows of budding alcoholics.

But don’t fear, there is a way. Keep a solid stance to hold off the roid heads and keep your eye for an opening in the queue. Someone coming out of the crowd fresh from the bar is usually a decent opportunity. Don’t worry, you will get to the heavenly alcoholic altar soon.

Once you’re nestled in the mixer, get as close to the till as possible. The barman will look straight at you after serving the last lucky punter, so it’s a golden opportunity to get your voice heard. Or you could identify a weaker specimen and go straight in for the scrum. Your choice.

Another tip – a tried and tested technique (and not sexist in any way) – but girls get served quicker than guys. So, get yourself a hunny who loves to party. Ideally find yourself one with nice voluptuous beige balloons – cleavage might even get you an extra shot.

But for those lone wolves, you have to go with the classic “here look at me I want a drink” lean. A good 45 degree lean should do the trick – not the full 90 degrees, you’ve got to keep it subtle. Go in too much and you risk looking like the liquor leper.

So you’re there, leaning in, all optimistic with your hopes of getting your round in, but what you going to pay with? If the bar staff can’t see your money, they aren’t coming near you. Get old Liz out where they can see her, but don’t flap the old bitch about like you’ve got deep heat on your balls (we all know that feeling).

And remember: eye contact. It’s all about the eye contact. The nonchalant eyebrow raise will get the green light, but look too interested and you might end up resembling a creepy ecstasy addict and they’ll give you the swerve.

You should also be wary you don’t end up looking like the cocky bellend who thinks he knows the guy behind the bar. Dick.

Congratulations, you’ve become the new bar bitch for all your friends to capitalise on.